+modified+

baby boy obsessed!

2006-11-10T00:22:00.000+08:00

just posting some vids of my cousins!
well basically both these vids are all about my baby cousin, danial..
he's my uncles one and only son.
he is the last child.
four girls and one boy!
so he's like the pride and joy. cos they waited so long for him
but haha... you know i love baby boys!
sweetness =)

oh you. i don't know what to say.

2006-10-02T00:57:00.000+08:00

pretty pretty kate walsh =)

and there she goes...sexing up my world!!!

i am sooooooo into her...
tooooooooo much really.. :P

oh and the other day..wed night..
i had a nice webcam chat with priyaa..
i made her smile.
and i smiled like an idiot. and then i printed the screen.
haha LOSERS!
but it was nice to hear her voice again. =))

and this is me and my pali =))
in jb. in some shop in city square.
so nice to have her back home.

and yesh! haha sofia came with us tooo!!!

well..thats all for today folks.
pic blogging!

sch is starting again in.... 6hrs 20mins
wish me luck.

cheerio!

baila morena.

2006-09-24T22:37:00.000+08:00

whatever that means.

last night i watched imagine me and you.
that r21 movie with piper perabo and lena heady
i have never seen lena heady before.
but she's gorgeous!!!
like a cross between 'the touched by an angel' lady
whose name i found out thru www.imdb.com is roma downey
and sharon corr

sharon corr + roma downey =

LENA HEADY!!! gorgeous!

heehehe..
yeah im that bored.
i actually did research.

anyways yeah my aunts house burnt down.
thank god some clothes managed to be saved.
and most of all..
thank god.. my aunt signed on for house insurance 2 mths ago.
so now they are covered for 80,000bucks!
that will really help a lot.

so now everyone is chill.

they are of course at aminah's refugee camp!
hahaha..
my other aunts house.

i was there just now to teach tuition.
boy i miss living in the refugee camp.
i remember how we used to all live there.
when we all were waiting for our new houses.
17ppl in one house. 3 families and 2 maids.

today breaking fast liek taht again was fabulous.
all noisy
and all the laughter.
and playing soccer in the house.
and then later playing soccer again on the PS2.

cant get memories like that.

so i guess the burnt house really had a silver lining.
we're all together for this ramadhan.

alhamdullilah.

Individual Differences in Classroom Management Reflections 1

2006-09-18T23:35:00.000+08:00

Reflections 1 (to be handed in during Tutorial 1 - in the week of 18 Sept)

Question 1 (Please complete this portion before coming to lecture)

a. What does an “inclusive society” mean to you?

It means a society that embraces differences in every member of the society be it mental,physical or emotional differences. It is a society that thinks not of itself but of others as well and it is a society whereby there is still unity and cohesion despite differences between each individual.

b. What is your personal vision of an inclusive society?

My vision of an inclusive society is where each member of society is sympathetic and empathetic to each individual. For example, the situation now is one where not every individual has the desire to sympathise and empathise those who are in need or less abled. They just look upon them in disgust and go to great lengths to avoid such people.
It is a society where disabilities and differences in each individual is embraced and not gawked at. Physical abilities become something of a norm and people do not stare anymore. I believe that people with disabilities do not even consider themselves abnormal or disabled so why should we look at them as if they were abnormal or disabled.
It is also a society where everyone can express and be who they are freely without facing discrimination or judgement, where there is no scrutiny and long stares but instead there is warmth and care for each individual. For example, there should not be any discrimination just because he/she is of a different race or he/she is a homosexual. They are still humans and are still a part of society. They should be embraced for who they are and not rejected because they are different.

c. What does this vision of an “inclusive society” mean for you as a teacher?

I believe that this vision would eventually bring me to face my first class with students who are different or less abled than others. I welcome this experience as I believe it would be enriching for me as a human being. This however means that I would need to equip myself with the necessary background knowledge and self-reflect on my values and beliefs to mentally, physically and emotionally prepare myself. I would need to learn how to cater to their learning needs and how best I can include them in my lesson by creating activities that they can participate in as well.

Question 2 (to be completed after lecture)

a. How did you react to watching “Sue”? Tell us your thoughts and feelings.

My first thought at watching "Sue" is that I find her to be such an adorable and charming character with a really bright and sincere smile. I know this seems such and odd thought to begin with but I am just completely blown away by the way she has shaped together her whole life despite being not as fortunate as some of us.
To be completely honest, I am not sure if I could achieve as much if I were her. Looking at her just makes me feel that my life could be further improved on and that perhaps there is more to life than just the big picture. Sometimes, the little things count for a lot. Just being able to play with the children in the centre makes Sue esctatic.
In the video, Sue works folding boxes at the pizza restaurant. She seems contented with her job but she knows that there are bettter things for her out there and she wants to improve herself further. Her drive to improve herself is amazing. She does not blame anyone for being born with the multiple disabilities but yet is cheerful and determined. This puts me to shame as I am reminded of the many times that I blame others or get depressed just because things get a little tough.
In a way, watching Sue has allowed me to reflect on certain things that I would normally not think about. She reminds me that life is how we make it out to be and she chooses to make it the best life that she can. She even fell in love in the process. I just hope that I can follow in her example and make my life the best that it can be.

b. Have you met anyone with a disability in Singapore (any type of disability or combination of disabilities) who has achieved a life like Sue’s?

I'm sure there are people in Singapore who has achieved a life like Sue's but sadly I have yet to meet them.

Question 3 (may be completed before or after lecture)

a. What are your views (thoughts and feelings) of including students with disabilities or special needs within mainstream schools in Singapore?

I believe that it would be a tough experience for the teachers in mainstream schools to include students with disabilities or special needs. However, it is not impossible. To me, it is all a matter of choice and passion.
If a teacher believes that they can handle such a child, then they would try harder as compared to a teacher who from the start does not believe that they can handle such a child.
However, it might not be possible to have too many students with disabilities or special needs in one class. Then things might go out of hand and the teacher might find herself lost and grappling at straws.
I believe that teachers need to go for courses or just-in-time training to learn about how to handle students with disabilities and special needs. They also need to be educated on methods of how to include the students in their lessons seamlessly.
However, some teachers are not as receptive to such students as others so perhaps it might be more detrimental to the child than the teacher as the student would feel as if they are an outcast as even the teacher finds them a hassle.
So in summary, a special needs child or a child with disabilities can be included in mainstream schools but it all depends on many factors and I believe that if the needs of the child are not met in the mainstream school then it is best that the child be taught in a special school as the mainstream school could be detrimental to the child.

b. What are your views (thoughts and feelings) of including students with disabilities/special needs within your own classroom in the future?

I have not really had much experience with students with special needs/disabilities. I have had an experience with a boy with ADHD and Low IQ but only for a short two days back in my contract teaching days. He really tested my patience but I found that I was more patient and understanding than I normally was.

Never in a million years would I have imagined that I could be so understanding or patient for that matter. I had actually answered the same question he kept asking me every ten minutes, "Teacher, I'm a good boy right? You won't tell my mother right, teacher?" with a very patient and kind, "Yes."

I'm not tooting my horn but the point that I'm getting at is that previously I would have protested to having a student with disabilities/special needs in my class because I feel ill-equipped and not patient or understanding enough. However, now after coming across this boy I feel that there is something fulfilling when you interact with such a student. Though it might be trying at times,I find that it is back to the issue of passion. If you are really sincere about teaching a child, it does not matter if he/she was disabled or needed special attention because at the end of the day you just want to teach the child what you can no matter how hard it is. Thus, I personally would be more than welcoming to having a student with special needs/disabilities.

c. In your opinion, are there some disabilities that can be more easily included than others?

As sad as it is, it is a fact in society today that there are some disabilities that are just more easier to handle or approach than others. This is especially so for people with really dibillitating illnesses whereby they are unable to walk, talk or have use of their hands. Such people need special attention and some of us are not as capable of taking care of them. Some disabilities such as hearing impaired or visually impaired are more common and people are more accepting of such disabilities as to people it is not as dibillitating.
Many a times we see people cringing at the sight of a man with amputated legs begging at the road side but yet if we see a blind man walking down the street we would not pay him any attention or those who are morally conscious would offer to guide him to his destination. Therefore, it is evident that some disabilities are just considered less of a disability than others and they can be more easily included.

THE END!

morning. in LT waiting for next lect.

2006-09-18T10:12:00.000+08:00

hey hey.. bored as hell.
so decided i shall blog.
the last time i blogged..
the bugger of my lappy..
actually its my stupidity la..
the wire to my laptop got disconnected
thus, my lappy went blank..
and then..nothing!
all gone...
bugger...

pali's back!!!

my 4 yr old cousin, Zahirah. the girl was lucky to get all the indian features.
pretty eh?

any indian features??

heehee.. i think i've got some.
too bad i'm not fair!

and just remembered i had this picture.
juli's bling birks
and my fav sneakers. (im wearing it now)

im sleepy. but ICT essay.

2006-09-17T03:07:00.000+08:00

i am so fucking sleepy.
and i dont feel like doing anything..

and now i dont feel like blogging.
catch u later blog.

nurul is keeping me company tonight.
our so called essay tryst together..

cheerio.

late night ramblings. and i didnt realise how much i miss u.

2006-09-14T03:18:00.000+08:00

mornign morning.

my stomach is churning.
doing a nice tumble dry.
so how much u think i will lose?
nah not much.

i still eat like a cow.

the point is.
i am pissed that i cldnt get online today
so many mishaps
and hindrances.

but i know..i know..
though i should not say this..
i know that.. the real reason i'm pissed
is because i dont get to talk to you today.

and thats really why im pissed.
because i kind of miss you.
im pissed that i kind of miss you..and im pissed that..
im so pathetic as to be pissed that i dont get to talk to you..

sighs.

kai bung tell me to be patient with you.
to wait for you.
well... i know its not that easy.
the question is that..should i even try?
many times bitten, i'm a hermit crab.
but thanks kai for ur support and optimism.

and pali's finally back.
but her luggage is missing.
crossing fingers for you p..that it comes soon.

love you all,
ferri..

i think i am falling. and i look across, i see everything.

2006-09-12T00:20:00.000+08:00

im fucking pissed with MSN.
i cant login.
su's already on MSN so she's not affected.
but I AM!!!
so following in juli's addiction to you tube
here is something to cheer me up.
my fav scene with jack and karen
in 'will and grace' =))my favourites.
its the one where jack and karen are doing the commercial on inappropriate office behaviour but karen gets turned on instead cos jack's tongue is "magical"
hhahahhaa

just goes to show how boring my life is without MSN
thats where i see my chicas...baby..
that lady that i really want to talk to all the time
i swear i cant survive without it.
i just cant.
and i get really frustrated.
too frustrated that its almost unhealthy.

pali's suppose to be back by now.
but have not got a call from her.
i hope nothing happened to the plane or anything like that.
it is 9/11/06... and she's coming from NY..
its freaky to think of such things...
i really miss her a lot..and its so nice to have my girl back home..
so we can be the way we are..everytime.. anytime =)

just now was at al-ameen.
this is like the gazillionth time..i think..
was with the girls again- liza, hana and juli =))
i was so exasperated explaining
abt how to walk to marina sq without walking thru city link mall.
then this juli brought my hopes up by saying she understood.
shook hands some more..
but.... NO!!!
she didnt get it. THEY didnt get it.
hahahaha.. =)

but yeah sad i had to go early..
my mother.. you know the drill.
well i guess i brought this upon myself for screwing up my life.
for wasting my days and nights away when i was in AJ.
for playing a fool all the way till the end.
for not even caring.
for being so focused on every other thing
except the thing I really had to focus on..
my a-levels.

to get more personal,
and to continue on with what khai said about me
yeah i do get contented with just the little things.
i dont need much more.
all i need is a smile.
a look, a glance.
a wave.
a bitchy remark.
a silly remark.
laughter.

thats enough to make my day.
i dont need the tangibles. =)

long day and i'm ready..

2006-09-11T02:57:00.000+08:00

*homophobe alert: pictures of HOT lady loving!*

listening to: one night- the corrs

its finally over.
the essay.
ok not really.
references. cover page.citations
not done yet.

but i'll get to it eventually.

anyways.....

i am so into this song.
i just want one night.

whatever for you ask?
maybe i like it..
maybe i really like it when someone loves me too..

who doesnt want that?
the optimist me..
thinking one night is enough for everything.
enough for me to feel again.
enough for you to feel again.

its exciting.
im smitten.
i really am... but i look at you. and i know.
remember the rules.
the straight rules.
the crooked rules.

well..
my love, my heart.
drowns.

good night.

maybe if i cried it might make everything better.

2006-09-10T03:28:00.000+08:00

emo-ness in the middle of the night
essay assignment still incomplete.

great.

and i feel so many things.
and i hope its just a little crush.

because if its not then i dont know where to go from here.
do i look in your eyes and tell you everything?
or just run screaming at the top of my lungs.

and to me you are wonderful.
but no one sees.
perhaps i might be the only one.

and people will laugh at me.
but i do see.
i see everything.
your silver lining =))

but i hold back because i know.
because i can see everything.

don't make sense?
go figure yourself.

maybe its childish and maybe its wrong.

2006-09-08T01:22:00.000+08:00

good morning again.

was supposed to like meet eanti at 11.00
but postpone..postpone..postpone..
in the end met at 14.00 at CWP.
ate at banquet then we ciaoed to go geylang
thanks to eanti's trusty bus guide we figured out that
we could take 966 to eunos and then switch to bus 21
and that will lend us exactly in front of joo chiat.

i bought a baju kurung!!! YIPEEE!! like finally..
its white..with lotsa gold sequins.
will take pic soon.

after that walked around some more and ended up at suntec starbucks @ tower 2
cos the wireless there is free...
cos of IMF..show off singapore..everything do for IMF..
flowers lining the pavements la.. hypocrites.
only tidy up when ppl are coming. fake-o.
like as if we weren't already green enough before that!!!

eanti's bag and the two plasticated tote bags she bought at check!
and the fuckingly hot purple couch..YUM!
PURPLE POWER!!!

suntec city. walking like bozos.

met juli( AGAIN!! ) at raffles city
she wanted to buy birks!!
she bought the fuckingly nice bling2 birks
freak her!!!

but i still love birks =))

i really love birks!
i have three pairs.
shall take a photo.
one day.

then the three of us took 960 back.
after eanti dropped off..things started heating up..
DRAMA one kind!!!
the bus stopped at the bus stop opp the bukit panjang police stn
then got some commotion in front.
i was like wondering what..
thought the bus broke down or something..

BUT NO!!
this lady suddenly moved to the back
whilst talking on the phone and saying stuff like..
"ya i'm far away from him. moved to the back already."
i was like???

then she told us there was a molester!!!!!!!
this bangladeshi worker..
apparently he had already tried it on a few girls during the bus ride..
but the last girl shouted and made that commotion.
then some guys seperated them.
the bus driver had already gotten off
and called the police on his handphone..as well as going to the police stn opp
we were all at the edge of our seats..
then police cars came..
and throughout this whole time the molester man just sit there
and pretend like theres nthing..
stupid sia.. lucky driver is also smart..he shut the doors so we cant go out la..

and juli..being the cutie pie that she is..
ask me to take picture!!!!
haha so here it is...

police cars with sirens on..
parking at the back of our bus..
the bus driver had opened the boot cover..
thats why we tot the bus had broke down initially...

and u see there at the door..the polce officer getting off the bus..
in front of him is anotehr police officer holding the arrested man!
cant really see la.. my papparazzi skills are bad.. so sue me!

and urm...
OH MY GOD!! we're shocked.

???

haha nights.

good morning sunshine.

2006-09-06T01:31:00.000+08:00

yo morning. fucking early morning really.
its 1.29 am as of now.

pics time!!
get excited?cos who reads this blog again?

YESH ITS KATE MOENNIG! (aka shane from L word!)
get excited you andro loving ladies!
hahaha
this is taken from season 4. i like her hair long.
they were shooting at vancouver as always =)

seriously i have always liked her hair longer
and fuck wish i was as skinny as her.
anyways got these pics from www.thelwordonline.com
=)
are u shane enough today?

and you're wondering what the hell is this?
haha my science lab! we're doing solar system and stars now in school.
thus the so called sun(big yellow ball) and the planets on sticks! hahaha
the bodies u see is my science members- (L-R): Fidz, Nuurul and Eliana

and another angle of our created solar system. when all the planets are aligned! haha
what shit!

then just now around nine i met juli again
at al ameen
but this time cos she wanna pass me her windows in classroom TB
i need it for this sem but im too cheapskate to buy it.

then while chatting and fooling around...
i took her specs and tried them on.
smart?
or just plain ugly??

al ameen two nights in a row?
killer man to my bowel systems.
hahaha

but i really enjoy myself la talking to juli.
but today...
i did most of the talking..
haha.. :P which perhaps bored juli.
but hmm... heck...she still laughed her ass off.(i think?!)
she's cute. like belo cute..haha..

anw i'm thru telling ppl they are cute...they always think i want someting more when i so dont give a fuck.

anyways.. i messaged nurul just now to drop a hi.
that girl just came home...
hahhaa...so lucky that she does not have mornign classes that bugger.
the perks of being in ur final year.

cant wait to meet her on friday.
=)

and the other nuurul..haha last wednesday gave me the shock of my life.
the girl had major life threatening cramps.
had to call the ambulance sia.
doctor cant find her left ovary thru the ultrasound. so thats pending..
hmmz...hope it will all be good la.

cant believe i ever thought she was a bitch just cos she was from STC.
she's really nice and funny.. and silly.. hahaha. :P

well sleep time.
math tut and eng tut tmr.
plus a short meeting during my break with my grp members for PBL of Ed psych.
bugger.

=)its 1.58am now.

my bracelets and everything

2006-09-05T01:00:00.000+08:00

my lappy
nameless as of now
but there is of course the obligatory jennifer beals pic on the desktop

to town in a cab.
a pic of a pic. hahaha..
this was on sunday aftnn.
we printed this pic with some pink border once we reached town.

and we ate ben and jerrys.
choc chip cookie dough + choc fudge brownie= HEAVEN!

in time i look towards everything.

and my red nails tells a different story.

well i only really like putting photos..
hence the above.

nights.

happy teachers day to me!!! and people are leaving blogger.. maybe i should too?

2006-09-01T02:21:00.000+08:00

the amount of gifts i got last year from my mega class, 2E.
so sad couldnt spend tchs day with my first ever form class 3D.
really miss those buggers..
=)
one of my students celine emailed me in big capital letters happy teachers day!
so sweet.

my mega class 2E.

my first ever form class, 3D =)))

just came back from al ameen
this time with liza and juli..
liza's fren from sec sch and now also in NIE
haha yeah..

anyways.. just now was talking to nurul on the way to sch..
=)
good stuff.
kekek all the way.
but something is seriously warped with the world and my cosmic pattern
hahaha..was just laughin abt it with nurul.

the ridiculousness of my life
really dawns on me

anywyas.. just now sahur at al ameen.
sahur!
yesh u heard me right
tmr i wanna puasa to pay back.
only four days actually..
but to be on the safe side just do five la.

and now im gonna go off..
and play my game!
dtx!
its the game where u play the drums to the song
kinda like the one in the arcade.
but arcade on u really got a drum to hit
but this one use keyboard la..
jadi la..
sebat ajer.damn fun.
im working on boulevard of broken dreams now.

and i shld really start thinking about what im gonna write about nurul.
she like really wants me to write something about her..
hmmm..
seriously no words can describe... and i dont wanna do her injustice..

well tata my love,my blog.
=)

ps. maybe i should move to lj?

tuesday night- jogging? and recharge my batteries?

2006-08-29T20:18:00.000+08:00

pics galore!

my sister and my cousins!
fahmi and the really cute one is darwish!

thinking im the hottest girl in the world!

this picture was on bryanboy!
heehee

my besties =)

hana's nephew, uzair's birthday party at macs

well anyways
im outside now chilling at the living room
nothing to do really.
im watching maggi and me on the tv.
and my lappy is on my lap now!!
haha talk abt taking it literally.

anyways..
i thought of going for a jog later.
but now im so bloated.
actually dehydrated actually.

hmm..maybe i should go and jog now.
since well i really have nothing better to do
and i dont feel like doing any work.

so i guess the best option is to like run righT?
then at least im not running so late at night
to tell u the truth im just too tired
and i dont really care

and in my head right..
hockey? what the hell is that?

forget that.
urgh..sucks big time.

and yesh..
presentation finally over! but now..

its time to start my write up!!!
bugger

got two write ups. many deadlines to rmb.

haisz.. think im gonna go for a jog now.. short one i guess.
and a fucking slow one. :P

tata..
will post more pics tmr

wedding blues. monday blues. and whatever else that is blue.

2006-08-27T16:15:00.001+08:00

well today is sunday.
i am not as sick as i was before.

but im not at my optimum.
really need to stop destroying my health.

but anyways
yeah i went for the wedding in the end.
it was nice to see norrul again.. =)

but she's going back to KL tonight..

so anyways..
photo time. hopefully blogger does not piss me off again.

TEACHERS DAY DINNER!!!

raihana and mazlin.
raihana won best dressed with her..
ehem ehem.."new husband" mr shahroom

me and shag..=))

and all the minahs plus one ahlian..
L-R: me, filza,mazlin,udiana,alifah,shag,shiqin,hairani,raihana,kamaliza

well thats all for now folks.. =)

alex parks. new laptop. and im fucking sick..again

2006-08-27T01:11:00.000+08:00

now to start off. alex parks.
my fav song from her. cry.

anyways yesh...
was transferring files frm my pc to my lappy
not sure what to name..but later la..

and god so many pics to put up here.
god knows who reads anyways.
but its for me really.
so in ten years time i can look back on this webpage and
so called reminisce abt the past.
or something like that., :P

tmr is norrul's sister's wedding.
dunno if im healthy enough to go.

yesh i have the flu.

got it yest thurs.
why?

cos on thurs night sat al ameen till late
smoked my ass off. and then went home.
slept for two hours.
and off to sch. stayed in sch doing my project till 4.30!
and it was mother fucking hot
and thats why i got sick.

so i went to the teachers day dinner.
woodgrove ppl invited me.
so sweet of them.
so we came and ate. and took PICTURES! as always.

BUT...fucking assholic blogger is now down.
so no pics today.

enjoy alex parks tho.. :P

i've been abused!!!

2006-08-19T01:04:00.000+08:00

well a lot of pics to post.
vids and all that.

but i dunno. just not in the mood.

would rather discuss or actually
give my two cents worth
on what oprah did on last wed on channel 5..

it was abt woman who have let go
of themselves because of bad experiences in relationships.

god..
that hit home.
BIG TIME!

and you know what..
im at lost as to what to say.

guess now im not in the right state of mind.

argh bugger la..

well i shall go off now la..

anyways new word of the week..
BUGGER!!!!

tired as fuck. horrible day. BIG realisation.

2006-08-15T00:40:00.000+08:00

yeah well.. tiring day.

monday blues all the fuckin way.

well i have some photos.
perhaps later.

from my aunts wedding.
the photos i mean.
and some other stuff.

finally su came back!
i have back my arm.

and well today
had an interesting experience

and let me just say.
BIG REALISATION!
but i dunno if i can accept it
because i know its not right
somethings off.
but i know it to be true (ie. what i realised.)

even in your own damn blog u cant truly say
what u truly want to say.

so u keep it inside.

and i know YOU wont call me.
not anytime soon.
because i know you all too well.
the type of person you are.
i have seen so many of you.
and you say you care.

HAH! fuck off.
i dont believe a single thing you say.
and im glad i did not give you what you want
because at least i have some part of me

though i played a part.
though i made some mistakes im gonna regret
after this...

but at least hey im awake now.

my big realisation.......
but why cant i accept it?
isn't that what i want?

NIE... teach less, learn more??? and what the F is wrong with my sleeping pattern?

2006-08-09T00:27:00.000+08:00

well school has officially started!!!
yesterday had two lects.
one eng and one science.

the eng once was bloody fucking hilarious.
not cos the lecturer was HAHA funny..
but cos she SANG to us la!!!

hahahhaha..
i'll upload the song lyrics soon.
its too happy for my blog really.
but i'll put it on.

anyways..
science.
fucking sickening.
the guy was talking to himself.
in his own world.
syiok sendiri la!!!

waduh!

anyways moving along..

im half stoning.
need to sleep i guess.
but u noe me..

oh and todays two tutorials werent bad.
only im afraid of the essays that i have to pass up.
these two modules are psych mods.
very profound u know..

well in hang in there farah..

freaks.
nitez.

eyes wide open, naked as we came.

2006-08-06T02:20:00.000+08:00

well its the 6th of august.
happy birthday mom!

anyways yeah so many pics to share
and upload.

firstly trimmed my hair last wednesday.

BEFORE

AFTER!!

not much diff.
just thinner
and slightly shorter..
thus the key word..

TRIMMED!

anyways..
then what else..

thursday i went to the beach with hana!
sentosa.
tanjong beach.

chilled.
took pics. laid there.
swam across to the other mini island.
swam back.
showered.

then..AL AMEEN!
managed to coordinate filza to join us there.
she stayed and chatted for a bit.
then she left.
and we stayed on!
as always..

friday

met fia and div at town
managed to squeeze in a pic
on train

we surprised div
with a mini cake and candle
and we sang a bday song as she came.
we already bought this gift
its a frame which u attached
to this magnetic cubes which stick tog..
to spell divya
haha..nvm see it to believe it.
the prob was we had no pic.

so espionage work.
we took the pic once we cut the cake.

then i had to go to the "toilet" TWICE
to get it printed.
hahaha..

div had a really good surprise.

then at night..went over to
my aunts place
to give my cousins tuition.

was wearing shades during the day..
and my cousins being the
inquisitive ppl they are..
they had to try it on!
and they're boys for god sakes!!
even my 14 year old cousin tried it on.

now for some gayboy pics!
hahahahhahaa

and just now..saturday night.
celebrated my mom's bday
at delifrance.
sorry no pics.
we forgot!
haha..

but heres one of me
and my sis..on the bus
on the way back..

we look too sweet.

oooh and some star time!!

that is melanie griffith (aka wife of antonio banderas)
she's lighting up
for her 17 yr old daughter.

hmm..if only my mother was that cool.

but then again.
im disturbed by this pic.
which is why its up here!

anyways..
au revoir.
ciao bella.
and all that.
time to get some shut eye.

ps.
and happy birthday to a certain woman..
she who shall not be named.
i still miss you.
always.
and i'll still love you
always.
even though its been four years
since we truly spoke.
since you truly saw me
for me.
since you felt for me.

despite the tragedy
you made me realise who i am.
and i thank you for that.
not that you would read this.
but i just wanted to thank you.

loooseeenn up my buttons baby!

2006-08-01T23:17:00.000+08:00

am so fucking addicted to this song..
and plus these girls are FUCKING HOT!

esp the lead pussycat. she shld just be a solo act.
what was she thinking?
she cld b THE pussycat doll.

anyways..

buff-spiration!!!

look at her arms man!!! god..
nice!
jessica biel..in case u guys dunno who..

kinda nice to have a dog to walk.
but yah sure who am i kidding..

and what is up with meg ryan???

serious bad hair day.
or is it she just cant be bothered no more??

and hahhaa..
was telling hana i'm gonna do a pam anderson for my wedding!!!!

i'm gonna wear a white bikini to my wedding.
my guy's gonna wear jeans and thats all.
and im gonna do a void deck wedding..
hahhaa..

but my pelamin( the throne that i sit on )
is gonna be lined with palm trees.
the throne itself is gonna be made of bamboo wood..
kinda like a day bed..
or loung chairs made of wood or bamboo..

and then there'll be sand everywhere by the pelamin..
hahaha..
and everyone is gonna wear white..
white tropical flowers everywhere..

palm trees..

haha and im gonna tone up..
and get fake boobs to match my white bikini wedding!!! yeehaa!!!

hana says if i do that..
im gonna be in the malay newspapers.
hahaha.. true that girl!

oooh and saw this pic..
latinas man..

no matter how skinny they are..
curves man!!!
and the boobies..
hhaha but mine bettter..

and whats that dweeb of a guy doing chatting her up??
beats me!

anyways why so many celeb pics..
hahaha..

was reading www.hollywoodrag.com
AGAIN!!!
am addicted.

just like bryanboy.

im prone to addictions..

well adios..
till tmr for more bitching..

loosen up my buttons.
any day ;)

the thought of being in love again... makes me... ???

2006-08-01T01:27:00.000+08:00

its like you see other people being in love
and they're happy
and you're happy for them

and a part of you wants to be happy
but when u really think about it..
are u up for it again?
i mean its good when its good...

but u and i both know..nothing
ever
ever ever...

lasts.

so whats the point really?
they say its better to have loved than never to have loved at all.
is that right?

but how come when i love,
when i just love someone so wholly and so irrevocably..
i feel like i've lost my mind
and then they really make me lose my mind.
to which point i look at the world and scream...

whats the point of being in love?

can i just have sex freely?
and never fall in love?
or just masturbate till the cows come home?
i mean if being in love is supposed to make u feel sated.

but i guess it feels good to be in love.
when you're higher than everyone else
and when you look down and you see the rest of them
not in love..
and you laugh haughtily because you're up there..
and you know in your heart love just is.
it is what is..
it doesnt matter if its with tom, dick or harry(or tina, dana or harriet)
because it just is..

and when i do fall in love again.
please remind me...
its temporary..
please remind me not to say forever..
and please above all remind me..
not to forget my life..

and sanity.

my hearts being squeezed by the bitchiness that is me.

2006-07-31T01:01:00.000+08:00

sometimes its tiring.
oh so tiring.
but dunno why i keep at it.

anyways just now i cut my sisters hair.

BEFORE (like crap right?)

AFTER(not much diff but thinner and FRINGE!!)

so any takers for farah's hair salon?

anyways last night was at esplanade.
with sis and cousin.
strange twist of events really.
first was supposed to watch awallah dondang
at kreta ayer
but my stupid sister left her wallet in the cab.

so she had no tix.

then we ciaoed la.
took 124 to nearest stop possible.
along the way we stopped at magic wok
grabbed really nice food to eat.

and then ESPLANADE!
which typically was flooded.
so yeah pics!

fahimah and syafiqah(our cousin; fathers side)
both same age.

me, fahimah, syaf (and LIKE im the PRETTIEST)
hahhaahhaha

and me and syaf in front of fullerton.
i was looking shitty la..cos i was dressed for crap malay play
not nite at esplanade.
ala bryanboy....
shirt: converse, bag: dorothy perkins, crop cargos: dorothy perkins, slip on sandals: papillio by birkenstock

i'm a big Dorothy Perkins fan!
upper middle class clothes at quite an affordable price.
and plus haha the sizing!
im packing it in these days.

anyways..
bitch mode now.
sometimes talking to her is exhausting
really exhausting.
because i think of all the shits.
and i feel suffocated knowing that she moved on first.
bother.
but i try.
so give me credit for that.
all in all i enjoy talking to her.

so yeah.

exes should just be exed la.. thats my motto
but sometimes u have to face the fact that u have
to make exceptions.
sometimes.

long hours of sleeping leads to body ache!!!!!

2006-07-28T11:37:00.000+08:00

well the crappiest thing ever
finally learn to sleep before midnight
but have not achieved yet the art
of waking up earlier than nine am.

need to work on that.

anyways am now having major stomachache
my hunger got the best of me.
i ate cornflakes.
and now stomachache is worse.

cripes.

anyways have teambonding shit at 2pm.
hana says its fun.
cos she has been for the morning session.

im hoping what she says is true.
cos im pooped.
and i hate that kinda shit.

but im glad to know that i have
hana's sec sch fren ain in my group
so at least got a fren there..
heng!

well..
time to change i suppose
but im too lazy..
brr..

ladida...

the late nights will never end

2006-07-27T01:43:00.000+08:00

bloody crap.
i really need to learn how to sleep early.

for gods sake!

anyways yeah..
a full day of briefing.
on modules.
and admin matters
and what to register for and all that.

and tmr the same shitholes.

todays briefing was from like 9-3pm.
and actually it was supposed to end at 5pm.
it was just a MIRACLE that the lecturers
kept it short and sweet.

so we ended at 3pm instead.

anyways..

tmr same shit. but 10-4
hopefull same thing where ppl talk less.

teach less, learn more ppl.

oooh and bryanboy might come to singapore!
the best!

the end of a year.

2006-07-24T22:04:00.000+08:00

arfan and alifah..mother and son.. =)

kakak angkat and adik angkat.. ;)

shiqin and filza.. the hot babes!

ala familia!!

me and hana.. biatch sistaz!!! LACE!

so fast.
it feels like only yesterday
that i stepped through the gates of woodgrove for the first time.
battling through the heat
the sweltering heat..
of that aftnn to meet for an induction.
first time.

i tot..what a dreary school.
gonna be a bunch of old farts.
matronly primary school teachers
like the kinds i used to have..
who wear talcum powder on their necks..
or keep their hair in thar ridiculous short do..with curls!

but who would have known i would meet so many beautiful ppl there
my gang..
all the rest..

kak mazlin..
hairani..
kamaliza..mumtaj..
kak sab..
kak sanisah..
suritha..
god tooo many to mention..

and now its gonna end..

but its nice to know i made some really close frens..
like hana..
me and that girl..
hard to seperate that bond..
i hope..
but..haha im confident..
we live less than 3 mins awaY!!!
if that still dun work then i dunno what to say..

but through all that..
it was worth it..
i tot i was wasting time.. wasting a year of my life..
but it made me clear as to what i wanna do..
i wanna be a teacher..
i wanna work hard and get a chance to be offered the deg..
and i met all these beautiful ppl
who have enriched my life..
and i love them.. so much..

all the best..
to all of us..

superficial confessions.

2006-07-23T01:54:00.000+08:00

my hair's all tied up now.
and im in my underwear.
wearing a blue racer back top.

typing incessantly once again.

and today my night was halted
ABRUPTLY
and i have nothing to say to that.
you might think im being pulled on a leash
and yeah i am.

because you dont know what its like
because life is harder for me with her.
when you have not experienced it
its best you dont tell me anything
or even laugh in jest.
even in jest.

because it hurts more when you guys dont understand.

its times like this that i feel like
its time to end all this bull shit.
because hey..
is it all worth it?
one moment of pleasure
for endless amounts of earth shattering
shards of words
slicing through you

would you?

im not strong enough
to handle all of this
because i've been taken
broken
abused and used.

and all i wish for now is to live
whatever else is remaining.
with my mind in focus.
my mind at ease.

i still love myself perhaps.

and i'm frigging emo. because i like it.
and thats the only way i know how to deal.

peace.

the internet is proving to be another bore hole!

2006-07-22T12:09:00.000+08:00

well im off.
to go to where else but causeway pt.
take care.

in the centre of it all. there i stand.

2006-07-19T04:49:00.000+08:00

and im the main thing.
the main thing there.
standing.
all dolled up.

pretty and perfect.

don't look back in anger. i heard u say.

2006-07-18T00:33:00.000+08:00

well thats the song thats playing now.
im freakingly bored..

well..
i dunno..
feel empty in a way.

like.. hur? whats there left to say..??
i'll just drop it all.
drop all the balls im juggling in the air
and let everything fall to pieces?

i miss u khai.
where are u when i need to analyse shit?
when i need to talk about all these things
bearing down on me..
as it is..su's not in singapore.

fuck it.

cigarettes ..
soon to be my only friend.

hi..meet ciggies ..
=)

argh fuck it la.
nothing else to say.

nights.

seven years. my vampiric nature supercedes itself.

2006-07-15T12:47:00.000+08:00

well at first i had a lot of things to say
but now i dont feel like saying em.

so just look at the pictures and enjoy.
femme quest 2006.
and some new ppl i met.
isyah and johan =)
nice and cute people.

oh and if u see a girl that looks like patricia mok
thats actually one of the contestants! Johan's in love with her!!
and the last pic was done by isyah. i just stole it frm her.

two late nights out. sleeping at dawn.

2006-07-15T05:45:00.000+08:00

thursday night went for femme quest.
will post about that later
when im awake and sane!

just now went karaoke with hana and husni, her bf.
sang and sang

and now im melancholy.

i feel like that 16 year old girl again
struggling with her sexuality..
in love with a woman who would never love her back

i'm like that all over again.
its amazing how just one thought
or one feeling can change your mood and attitude
for the day..

im beginning to think
fuck this men..

who am i kidding?
i know in my hearts of hearts
what is it that i want
and i want it badly..

but maybe i'm selling myself short..

god knows.
but life gives u shit sometimes..
and u just have to swallow the shit
as gross as it sounds..

see this is why when u karaoke
dont sing sad songs
esp not songs that speak so true

peace.
loves.

1 wedding, 2 drunkards, 1 crazy class and $426 worth of products!

2006-07-13T00:22:00.000+08:00

first the wedding.
it was on sunday.
didnt have time to blog abt it til now.
anyways my fren sham accompanied
me to the wedding because
all my other frens who were going ie. intan and farah
came with bfs..
so i brought him along..

anyways we all squeezed in farah's dad's car.
farhan, her bf, was driving.sham sat in front.
the rest of us squeezed at the back in agony.

anyways it was a nice wedding.
it was irma's brother's wedding.
god so many apostrophes!
i like the pelamin.or pedestal.
all white with white roses.

took some pics in the toilet of all places!!!

intan, me and farah

then monday night.
after italy winning the world cup!!!
haha...

went to al-ameen with hana and her bf, husni.
she treated us to really good food
then husni left
and we both got messages from the exes
that was really disappointing
and altogether saddening
and we kinda like reflected on all the shit.
and we ended up being all melancholy
drinking long island teas at the playground behind her place

we kind got tipsy.
check out the pink lips.

then we had to pee.
and we hahaha.. went to this stairwell of this block
and just peed
we wanted to pee at the grass near the playground
but there were these two mats there..
talking
so we had to go stairwell.

it was crazy!!

then went back playground and talked some more
and sang sad songs
and talked crazy!!!

LICK ME!!!

hahahha.. anyways we took a vid
after the whole peeing thing
which raihana confessed that haha
she saw my butt
and i asked her how it was..and she said.. its big!
haha

thanks a lot hana!

so anyways..
tuesday.. the tch that took over my ex form class
had to go for her graduation convocation
so i took over them again
it was nice.. and sweet
they were so happy to see me.
they got excited.
but im also reminded haha of how much stress they gave me
that i had to smoke my lungs out!
but i took a pic of them!!!
cept qing xin was absent la..
oh wellz..

so cute right?
gonna miss them to bits..

and today
after getting my pay.
i finally bought clarins.
some might say im blowing my money
but my face feels good.
and dry and matte.

i spent $426.

this is the basics.
(L-R) facial wash ($36),
purifying toner for super oily skin($38),
day moisturizer with spf20($87),
and night cream for skin rejuvenation($105)

then i bought this total protection value pack
which costs me $160
but it comes with a lot of things..
(L-R): whitening essence, gentle exfoliator,
extra sun protection moisturiser spf40,
intensive whitening mask, oily skin mask,
and a lifting cream to maintain skin countour

pretty good right?
and thats not all..
i got a whole lot of goodies!!

(L-R): hydrating lotion, combination/oily skin toner,
hydrating mask, cleansing milk, cleasing toner,
body lotion for contouring, liquid foundation sampler,
lipstick sampler.

hahah and now!!!
i'm clarins-fied.
look at my collection.
beautiful ain't it?

love it. =)
and now that i've retailed therapied im happy.
oh and yeah i bought two bras.
haha one pink and one maroon.
shiok. =)

nights..
work again tmr.
workshop at 9.30am!

ITALY !!!! pasta..lasagna..pizza.. aglio olio..hahaha

2006-07-10T05:00:00.000+08:00

FREAK IT!!!

ITALY ARE THE WORLD CUP CHAMPS!
hahahha stupid france..

zidane scores a penalty in the 7th minute.
then materazzi scores with a header
in the 19th minute..
fabulous that one was.
i was leaping.
hahaha..

game was pretty average from then on
then extra time.
by the half of the extra time
henry was subbed out..

and stupid zidane
just had to go and get himself a red card.
i love that man(zidane)
but god really man..
what the commentator said was right.
he really tarnished his career with that one
and its so unexplainable what he did.

i still dun get it!!!

why the hey did he have to head butt
materazzi..
whats that all about??
god..!!!!
if not maybe during the penalty shootout..
things would have been diff..

anyways..

penalty shoot out..

italy scored everything.
france missed one..
by some guy..grisbol or something or rather..

anyways the last person
to shoot for italy was
grosso

kinda all depended on him.
haha and boy did he deliver..
=)

beautiful goal.

haha my mom woke up just now
just to hear me screaming my head off
hahahhaa..

and she was like who won?
haha and i was like

ITALY!!!!!

air con better. town with shar for the first time! n happy bday bapak!

2006-07-09T00:14:00.000+08:00

well my air con is good now.
crazy bugger..

so finally i met up with shar..
after like how many months of knowing her?
almost a year already sia i know her i thinks..

met up at orchard mrt.
peed like crazy.
then went to scotts coffee bean.
her fren runni works there.
so the drinks were on the house!
shiok.

had chicken pasta
and choc muffin on her.
thank you shar.. so sweet.. =)

look at that.. member fierce sia!
makan pasta also looks like wanna makan orang

and haha she never fails to touch her hair!!!
enough already girl.
you're hot..
haha no need to make yourself more and more hotter..
esp more hotter than ME!!!

hahah see she's cam whoring again..
okok.. i joined in..
TADA!

my face like wanna sleep sia..

and ok.. i don't get it..
look at the picture below.

whats the point of putting this
ridiculously big umbrella or
whatever u call it.. pontoon is it?
god knows..
in an indoor coffee bean???
is it like gonna rain?
is it so sunny?
or is it just gonna snow?
hur hur???!

anyways we met hedz and her gf yan
and they joined us for a bit.
at that time when they came me and shar
already started making a chart out of the ppl we know.
and it only takes four ppl to connect me and her!
god can u believe it!
hahaha small world sia..
fuck..
anyways i took a picture of the chart
but sorry its mucho confidentialo..
no peeko of the charto.
sorryo..
haha..
was trying to make the chart look like this..

well anyways u figure out the names urself..
:P

after the whole chart thing..
we smoke outside tangs for a bit..
we being- runni, hedz, yan, shar and me.
and i thought them how to tell which girls are virgins
and who are not..
so we spent a couple of long minutes
checking out girls backside.
hedz is a virgin.
haha truth be told all of them
are goldSTARS except me..
im a tainted STAR..
bugger..haha

anyways we went out seperate ways
me and shar went to heeren to shop..
haha walked and walked..
and we decided to try on expensive clothes and take pics of it..haha

LOOK! a hello kitty top.
it says... no photos please..
haha very obligatory papparazzi..

this girl tried on this roxy shirt
which of course I recommended..
haha fell in love with it of course and she bought it..
when just prev she bought a germany converse t

hahahhaa
the powers of persuasion
by me..
:P

and more and more cam whoring..
hahhaahaha

we took a fag first..
by the mrt..
and then my left arm started
being numb again
like as if theres no blood circulation
and i was like thats it.. stopped 3/4
of the way thru..
fuck man..
something wrong with me

anyways yeah...
cam whore cam whore
behind the store..hahaha..

cute?

innocent?
or just pathetically sad?

FIERCE!
GRRR....

retards.

from zulu.

bryan boy????

and a last one for the road...

peace!

and of course goin home on the train
i had to check myself out.
hahaha

left town about 7.30
met my family at cwp.
for birthday dinner.
my dad's birthday yesterday
the 7th!

ate CRAYFISH PASTA!!!
yum yum
had salad.
had calamari rings..
had ice cream
had pizza..
god..

pig..
hahhaa

all in all..
a really really..
nice day..

shar need to meet up soon
haha this time u can follow me shop..
hahahhaha..

and i'll treat u to a choc muffin..haha
or whatever la u want.. ;)

good day.

the heat is still engulfing. my air con sucks.

2006-07-08T01:05:00.000+08:00

happy saturday morning.
its bloody morning.
1.02 am now.

came home from the excel fest
about four thirty pm
and i slept.
had swensens before that
thanks to kak mazlin
she treated us.

me and kak lin with hairani's fingers blocking the way

ah much better!

slept all the way till
ten thirty pm.
and only woke up cos alifah called.
asking me to join
her and norrul at al ameen

i was like still groggy.
then told her most prob i wont la.

then couldnt sleep.
and was like fuck it. lets just go!
wanted to ask permission from my mom
but she was konked out
cos she came back only at 3pm
mind u she worked night shift.
so she left house at 7pm thursday
and came back 3pm friday.
so she's really gone.
even now.
no stirring at all.

so sneaked out of the house.
so to speak.
haha..
and met them.

the pratha took forever to come!
and they were there already for quite some time.
by the time my pratha came
they were anxious to go back.

while waiting for the pratha
took some silly shots of ourselves.
as always.

me without makeup! atrocious! thats my 'adik' , arfan =) he took out my rubber band and was trying to tie my hair for me.. but to no avail!!! hahaha..which is why my hair looks like shit okok.. excuses. i know and boy it was hot ok. felt like stripping right there and then.

alifah, arfan and me.. looking ugly with my hair in disarray al ameen is still hot even though they created that shit smoking corner crap all the smokers lets unite!!!

norrul and arfan!

havent seen norrul since she went to KL.
shes goin there to do her degree
in malay studies at University of Malaya
(or is is University of Malaysia)
haha she's a minah KL now..
but so cool her condo is opposite of
anuar zain's condo!!

man i'm gonna miss her AGAIN!
she's back to sign some deeds and stuff here.
she's rather beefed though..
cos her handphone got wet cos of
this shit water bottle that she was carrying.
and not her phone is kapoooot...

and this is her again.
thought of taking a nice shot of her
being all feminine
so just in case she wants to like show
her future mother in law or what not..haha
but instead she YAWNED!!!!!!

and of course..
in the spirit of BRYANBOY!!!
www.bryanboy.com
(he's the ultimate bitch of the bitch.
my bitch read for the day.hahhaa..love him!
go check him out.
his blog's fab!)

this is our OBLIGATORY PAPPARAZZI SHOT!!

btw in case u don't already know..
alifah is crazy!!!!

PEACE AND LOVE!

ps. b.. if u reading this.. will miss u when u're in thailand!

i was actually a tranny. but now i've gone for a sex change.

2006-07-05T22:22:00.000+08:00

well..what you are about to see..
might be a shock to some of you.

or maybe you knew it all along.
but i have a dark secret past..

once not too long ago..
i was someone else..
someone completely different..

i was...

A TRANNY TRYING TO LOOOK LIKE...

MICHAEL JACKSON!!!!

MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!

KIDDDDDDINNNNNG!!!!!

that is just what happens when
you take pictures with bad lighting
and you pump up the flash.

I SWEAR i DID NOT LOOK LIKE THAT
off camera.
i looked helluva damn good..
hahhaha..

but haha i tot i'd share this sad and depressing
moments with you guys..
haha..at first i thought it was only a one time thing
with the first picture of me and hana
in the cab..
but oh no..
haha..
when i was in KL last march..
same thing!!!

but in truth the cab thing was only last week
whereas the KL was so long ago..
KL..i was using ZA..
so lady using ZA beware..
the cab thingy..i was using MAC..
usually MAC does not do that..so
im guessing thats just the light of my hp..

see.. same camera..
with same lighting
but think my face has oxidised
most likely..

see so nice.. =)
hehee..
oh well..
i know im pretty..

bite me.
hehe. :P

heat in my room?

2006-07-04T23:35:00.000+08:00

well my air con is not working again.
bloody fuck.

and im really hot.
and sleeping with a fan is just not
enticing enough.

brother

anyways shag says.. yes shag..the lady below..

she says i need to just screw it.
and delete everything. and screw it.
haha anyways i love the pic above.
she looks so angry. hahaha.. :P
all my work.

candid shots.
trying. :P

anyways just now came back from work
watched some will and grace after dinner
and i fell asleep for an hour
then now i cant sleep.
so have decided to photoblog!!

so yesh anyways.. ah..
this photo..
the night of my birthday..20th may..
probably after 1am.
at gotham.
we're obviously stoned.
cept for liza who doesnt drink.
haha..
it was a good birthday despite gotham being bland.
but can u believe it..
thats the last time i've been clubbing..woah. :P

HAHA.. SPASTIC!
this one above is of me and filza
on the way to arab street
with the rest of them
ie. hana, norrul, alifah n arfan
just managed to squeeze in this
extremely retarded shot.
hut haha.. my skin looks surprisingly good.
oh yeah..make up.. bother.

well anyways..
i really miss the L word.
here's a screen shot of the last thing we saw
on L word Season 3.
its the latest updated chart.

darn it..i should make a chart of my own.
cos well right now its all a mess.
and yes the lesbian world is damn fucking small.
fucking fucking small.

well it cant be helped.
even ur frens start falling for ur gfs.
beware all u lesbians.

heehee.. :P
anyways this season i am so into helena. heehee..
she is hot la.
god helena and bette making love..
fuck..i'm getting all wet just thinking about it.
damn i need to get laid.
freak.

look at her. she doesnt even have to try.
she just looks oh so damn fucking good.
freak.

oh and that goes back to..
cate blanchett.
she's my ultimate blonde bombshell.
she's so icy.
i just love that.
and so slim.
freak need to be as slim as her.

sighs..
haha.. well gtg my love..

the aircon decides to work now.
guess i shall put myself to sleep
by watching some L.
maybe i shall wank..
haha..or rub off or whatever u call
female masturbation..hahaha..
GET LAID EVERYONE!

my eyes wont close. and im fat. SHRIEKS!

2006-07-04T00:53:00.000+08:00

-BLUBBER-
(i think i caused all the earthquakes)

oooh night terrors?
god knows.

anywas im officially irritated with raizal.
he has so many insecurities.
and i don't know how to fix it.
and the way he asks me certain qns
makes me feel so insulted.
i know its his brooding veneer shit..
but..
its alright la..
i know things will be better..

oh and what a jiwang song now on my comp.
penantian by black rose

heehee..

anyways i took some pretty scandalous
shots of me and my sister.
too inspire us to lose wait.
and my god..i really am fat la..haha.
got love handles everywhere.
wont even call them love handles..

they're just blubs of fat..
ok i'm blubber.
blubber
blubber.
im goin bulimic.
swears.

i would put the pic here.
but im in my bra and undies.
and its not a pretty sight.
trust me.

well ciao my blog.
shld give u a name.
hmmm..

next time to ponder.

enough of bitterness and anger

2006-07-03T14:40:00.000+08:00

as i was typing..i lost the post..
so now this is my second time posting this.

and obviously knowing me
i will not repeat what i have just said.

and to think i was waxing lyrical about love
and how love can be so sacrificial..
and self sacrificing at that..

and was talking abt raizal..
about how he is there..but i know
in my hearts of heart..
i would never love him..
not in that way that i felt the first time i fell in love
maybe im comparing too much

but besides that i enjoy his company
well..
heck.

as i was typing in my previous attempt to post
my main priority now is my studies!
nothing else.

and i feel stronger.
strong enough to break through anything
and i am intelligent
and beautiful

lets just work on getting my life on track.
work out.
do errands.
have a proper life.

me and raizal.

trips ala SQ stewardess

2006-06-13T09:12:00.001+08:00

so anyways.. bright and early sunday morning ( 4th june 2006 )..
got up.. and continued with the packing. went off to NTUC to get food.
we thought we might starve on the remote resort. haha.. :P

then my dad came to pick us up.. in his DHL lorry!
the lorry was huge..and ppl were staring..haha..
wondering why is a DHL guy picking us up.
then we all had to sit in front right but there was not enough space for our big behinds so
my sister had to sit on my mom's lap. it was funny la.. cos we were on this high lorry and there was my sister sitting on my mom's lap.
anyways cos my dad cldnt pick us up any later we were at the airport at 2 plus.
when actually our flight was at 6.35
so we checked in our bags...and me being me..
suggested to chill at their starbucks.
and my sister being my sister..she got some shut eye.

and i of course took pictures of it..haha :P
then when my sister was awake..haha..
we obviously started.. CAM WHORING!

here's my starbucks coffee ad...

and my sister tries her bit but
of course u know i'm much much better at it.. hehe :P

and this is my mommy...haha
we do look a like yah..haha in a weird
but not really alike way..
its the fat cheeks!

anyways yesh.. we went to the gate pretty early..
around five we walked in..and just walked around the transit mall..
then we went thru the gate.. gate e10.
god im specific. ok la to cut the story short..the plane was delayed a half hour!
brother..
as it is.. we were gonna reach langkawi at night..and mind u i'm paying $280 a night u know..
and the later we arrive means the more im wasting my money on just sleeping!
oh by the way we are staying at sheraton langkawi beach resort =)

plane was delayed. so i took pic of it

and our gate number thru the glass.

and the cam whores we are..
while we waiting we snapped our thick skin faces
whilst the people around grit their teeth in agony at the delay

so yeah we finally get on the plane and fly off at 7pm.
here are the plane shots!

biatch

view from the top

so reached the resort at 9.30
checked in..and it was pitch black. save for some lights here and there.
so we changed and i took the liberty of snapping some pictures.

my mom eating dinner (all the food we brought from singapore)

my sister eating dinner

me being a bed hoe

so anyways the next day we woke up..mom went off to the gym
and we being the lazy pigs
we just followed her but didnt exercise a bit..haha
instead we camwhored.. :P

at the boardwalk towards the gym

took some photos outside our resort room before walking to gym

outside the gym on the lounge chairs
yes! the gym faces the sea and there's a beachfront in front of it.
there's my feet! sexy aint it!

the resort is really great..anywhere there's a beach
there'll be lounge chairs
even if the beach waters cant be swam in...ie. the ones in front of our room
its just a beach and water..but there's like rocks there so u cant like jump in an swim
unless u wanna hit ur head..then sure..go ahead..haha..
but picturesque nonetheless.. :P
so for the rest of our first day there this is what we did..
1) eat buffet breakfast which was superb!
2) go swimming
3) take a cab out to the town to langkawi parade
4) shopped
5) bought food and being the pigs we are went back to the hotel watched tv and slept
sorry no more pics from the first day there tho.. cos i kinda got lazy..

haha anyways second day there.. same thing..mom went to the gym.
this time we didnt follow her..we met her there..
after gym we stood outside the gym area waiting for the mini bus to fetch us to the lobby
(we got tired of walking)
we took more pics while waiting!

oooh lala!

hahhaa! in front of the captain grill sign!

my sister posing in front of the lobby after gym

my mom and my sister at the lobby area
nice right?

eating breakfast!!! look at the full table!

more pictures of us!
and that lounge i'm sittting on is outside the lobby
is a balcony and it faces the sea..nice right?

so anyways later on we arranged for a private tour around the island
with the resort..
and we left around noon and went around the island.
first stop was the batik shop
which was really really nice..bought batik pencil box
then the gamat shop.
bore!
then we went to the underwater world!
and saw penguins!
haha..then to the beach..which was really nice cos the sand was clean of stones
even the sea bed was really clean..
then after that we ate 'tea time' and went back to the resort to swim some more!
love swimming!
but sad that we didnt get to jet ski tho..cos it was bloody expensive!
anyways pictures!

the bus that brings us around the resort(actually walking to the lobby is pretty near)

batik shop. and yes underwater world has birds!

i LOVE penguins!

Cenang Beach( fat cow standing!)

food! and lobby aromatherapy!

and behind the window is a bathtub!

view of room from balcony. and view from balcony.
so anyways that night we went for dinner at the resort
and their dining place called 'karma jaya'
it was good. and there was this 3 filipinos who sang for us.
they were good.
heehee..

at the steps of karma jaya. at the top is the lobby. and the
ppl singing to us!
so the next day we had to leave.
mornign we swam. then finished packing. we checked out at 12.
and we spent some time taking last minute shots.

they have a big chess set! & pool view from the chess area!
then after that we chilled at the lobby lounge. and i ordered two drinks.
cos i was thirsty and felt all rich.
my fav shirley temple (which i keep consuming at the pool bar)
and a island cooler.
then after chilling abt 2.30 we went to the airport. we were damn early. but heck
i was tired of sitting at the lobby.

pics of us waiting at the lobby. and the airport is pretty modern.
i was thinking of something shabby.

anyways at the airport we bought chocs which were so cheap.
and we ate lunch..
we went into the gate at 4.15
our flight was at 4.35
then we finally went home!

our airplane! =)
goodbye langkawi. i will miss u dearly.

surreal

2006-06-08T00:11:00.000+08:00

i'm just back in from langkawi..
and now my body feels like its floating.. in space perhaps..
tomorrow morning i'm off to KL..but this time by bus..

well i'm not fucking rich am i?

hahha..ok cut with the bitterness already.
bitch.

basically my body is numb..but me being me.
my eyes just wont close.

when i get back, promise i will write a shit load of things about my trip. swears.
and gonna do a little photo journal and all that..
really tired now..
so so so tired.......

:P
alright...darlings i'm going to go and sleep..

bitterness..and being a biatch

2006-06-01T00:30:00.000+08:00

i realised that im totally bitter when i blog.
god knows why.
maybe yeah its cos in real life im pretty happy go lucky.
so i need an outlet.

well at least thats what i think. i need to be more bitchy
:P instead of being someone who seems so negative and cynical.
bitchiness is fun! my ultimate blogging guru.. bryanboY!!!!
hahahhaa..i love him and his blog to bits...haha

he's so involved with his life. its like his getting more out of his life.
and what am i doing? just being damn bitter about everything..

so i should start appreciating life.
and creating goals and plans.. like following his "dying to be thin" diet.
so that goes back to my main issue.. having an eating disorder. is it bloody worht it?

fuck i'm so fat now i would try anything.
just give it to me baby.

i think i should smoke a lot and smoke and smoke. everytime i have the urge to eat i should smoke to get rid of the pangs...
bloody hell..hahha maybe i should just take crystal meth or something..
to think about it.. exercise is still the best. but im lazy
everyone knows that.
i'm the world biggest bum! literally and metaphorically speaking!!!
its horrid...
my assss...
i look like a beach whale..yah i swear i do..

i swear i don't exaggerate.. promise.

throw my head

2006-05-29T22:46:00.000+08:00

my head feels like its going to fucking drop off
my sister is behind me mumblng
incoherent words i don't even understand.
and my head is swelling

damn it i wish i had a fucking eating disorder.
maybe i shld be bulimic
should start fucking run
and control my fucking weight
its getting out of hand.

im fucking 86kg.
i'm your fat pig.
your fattest pig.

so i should just shut up right
and be more proactive right?
and work harder.
but i guess i dont believe in myself anymore.
no faith in me.

and i just need to graduate
cant wait for graduation
when finally i will be free from my mom
nagging at my ears
telling me what to do
controlling my life

i'm not a child anymore.
do i look like one?

have u seen my pussy lately?

argh fuck la.

i need an eating disorder.
i need to be skinny
i need to purge.

and u say i'm falling down?
fuck you.

rough, rougher, roughest days.

2006-05-07T02:14:00.000+08:00

im slowly fading.
deeper into the abyss.
am i that same falcon, taken into flight
by mystical nights
where were you when i died?

those nights of pure heaven
of carnal intentions and pursuits
in throes of saccharine sweetness, we flew away together.
but now with one wing i flap, fall to the ground
thudding silence
i reach for an apparition
my mind caves in.

in the same way,
all over again.
and in the same way,
all over again.

my thoughts linger
to memories of the past. where was i then? where have i reached now?

nothing seems real. reality runs further from the truth
my shoulder shudders at the sounds of breathing
the breathing that i miss.

khai and me. we sat.
we analysed everything. nothing disappeared. in mixes of coffee and smoke.
my memories floated in the wisps.
it slaps u in the face when u talk to someone who's known u forever.

8 years is no joke.
and she knows how i feel about that woman.
about farha.
about everything.

woman, i have fallen for your unguarded beauty.
woman, i have allowed you the honour of taming my heart
woman, i have fallen from grace
woman, i have shattered my heart.

im just rambling incessantly.
its like im floating
murmurring incoherent shit.

well.
good night.
some pics we took.

how i feel right now.

2006-05-03T02:41:00.000+08:00

and i tell in song.
i am nothing more than a little girl crying.

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow?
What do you do with the left over you?
And how do you know, when to let go?
Where does the good go, where does the good go?

Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive,
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go,
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love,
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen.

It's love that breaks the seal of always thinking you would be,
Real, happy and healthy, strong and calm, where does the good go?
Where does the good go?

Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows?
How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down?
What do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down?
Where does the good go, where does the good go?

- Tegan and Sara; Where does the good go-

sickness of silence.

2006-05-01T09:38:00.000+08:00

so i wonder again about
everything.

its a pain when you think too much
you always feel like the sky is falling
like you're falling.

the weekend was a bust.
was supposed to be a fun night on saturday
but i ended up with a headache
eating mee bandung at 3am

it was supposed to be me, hana and liza
with hana's bf friends..
zack picked up me, hana and liza..
then we drove down to wala wala
the guys got drunk even before the fucking clubbing
GUYS!
and we had to take cab to MOS
despite the fact that all those fucking idiots drive
MOS was packed. like duh obvious.
we were there at one..
smoove was so packed..
i almost died of suffocation and of being trampled on..
isa dragged all of us out there.
ended up at retro room
i was already in a pissed off mood.
dance one song cos they asked me too
then sat one corner with liza..
liza and i ciaoed after that..

well enuff of that..
im tired of venting..
the pt is.
me and liza ended up at al ameen eating
and talking till 6am.
liza was really venting..
cos hana is her cousin..
and well i guess they know each other all toooo well..
what a waste of money that night
and a waste of time..
i dun even get the fuckign progress package

the point of it all is
if i were ever to be with a guy again
i would need one that can take action
and doesnt like to waste time.
wasting time is only meant for girls
god damn it!

oh well.
watched lost and delirious today.
oh god.. it mirrored the whole time i was in love with lin
im so glad that i didnt fall into the darkness the way paulie did
and kill myself..
i really did want to..
i felt so much pain..
so much anger and confusion..and so much sadness..the way paulie did in the movie..
it was so jarring to see all that on screen
and im so glad now that i could overcome that moment..
and i didnt let the darkness consume me..the sadness and the pain..
and know i might never be over her..
because i know in my hearts of hearts i could never love anyone like that again..
but at least im stronger. =)

and yeah love just is.
it just is.
it just is what it is.
you cant explain it.
you cant control it
you can just feel it.
and when u feel it ..
you feel so high..higher than everybody else..
and you look down on them
and u know you're there..
and love just is..

does it even matter?

2006-04-23T00:15:00.000+08:00

i woke up late. duh
obvious.
i expected it and it happened.
cos if u dont believe
then u know it wont happen.

came to sch about 10.30.
marked like two books
cos yah one book has abt 30pages to be marked
cos i have been slacking.
then left at 11.45 and took home the books.
yupz! about 30+ of them.

been watching greys the whole day.
even got my sis in on it.
she's been wanting to watch greys
but she's been to busy.

watched a whole of 5 episodes in a row.
thats like freaking 5 hours wasted.

anyways think i'm in love with kate walsh.
she's the actress that plays dr. addison mongtomery sheperd.
sighs.
haha..she's one sweet bitch..haha u know like bette.
the kind of women i like.
bah!
anyways yesh.. she's hot and steaming.
and i think in the show she should have gone with mark
instead of staying with mcdreamy.
oh wellz.. :P

she's actually blonde!

haha..i dont know. just like looking at her.

then went to take a short nap.

nap: 4-5 hours of sleep.
woke up at ten with a fucking headache.
watched two more eps of greys.
and now here i am after running down to esso
to buy oreos and milk cos i saw ashley judd eat it on tv.
someone like you was on tv.

and so here i begin with my marking marathon.
place bets on what time i sleep?

listening to my emo
drinking my farmhouse
not yet munching oreos
and marking maths workbooks.
thats the life.
and its a saturday night.

so, does it even matter that u like to spend saturday night
cooped up at home? and the scariest part is..you enjoy it!
and does it even matter that having alone time means
more to you than having sex...
never thought i'd say that.
but yeah.. sex is overrated anyways.

so i'll wait for my legal profession fella
till then..i'm gonna spend saturdays sleeping.

ps. today i did not fag. swear. =)

i believe in a real world.

2006-04-11T02:48:00.000+08:00

*i love her. and her bra*

its freaking confusing aint it.

i dun really noe what to say
nothing to say really.
i'm just moving as a cloud.
only focusing on thursday.

thursday night.
sighs.

party.

then u feel like you're lost.
like nothing matters
except that moment.
and thats why you go.
all the time.

saturday i got to see her.
=)
big smile for me.

but sadness. cos..you know its not the same
it will never be the same.
and u wish and u wish for tmr.
but u know tmr WILL NEVER come.
and its been too long to pick up again.
four years since i've heard her say "i love you"
even if its just as a friend.
were we even friends?

i want closure damn it.
a chance to sit with her and talk
just talk.
about what happened.
about how i felt.
about how she felt.
and i don't care if she even says"hey, i think you're a freak and i got scared"
i don't care anymore.
i just need to express myself to her
the way we did so easily.
the way she trusted me with her life
and i with mine.

and i would never dream of anything more
never.
cos i know where my position stands
all i want is closure.

a part of me knows goin back to yesterday is hazardous
so i just want to close it.
to end it.
to stop it.
once and for all.
and to get all the answers that i need from her.
so many questions.
so many that i want to share.
sighs.

im mellow.

you're so beautiful.
inside.
inside.
and all i need to make me smile
is to see you happy =)

i'm secretly falling apart.

2006-04-06T23:43:00.000+08:00

ok.
first.
its not a secret anymore.

second.
freaking out.
major.

third.
need fag.
but run out already.

forth..FUCK IT ALL.
i need to concentrate on me.

i love me.
more than anybody else.
lets face the facts.
and i'm here rambling still.

need to stop wasting time
and changing my freaking life.
stop all the nonsense.
anyways i was bored.
so i did those pics.
and i am emo girl!

i can't get to you

2006-04-05T00:36:00.000+08:00

you're so far away.
and i'm standing here?

my eyes still look at you
wishing and wishing
fucking wishing
you were mine
i see your porcelain face
and wish to hold
maybe to touch once
maybe twice

and how i wish.
how i wish
everything would be like my dreams
like my heart
like my soul

and you will see me.
just turn around
and see me.

i cant even write properly
anymore.
i really have nothing left.

i've got a 9oclock.
night.

strange and beautiful- aqualung

2006-04-03T04:11:00.000+08:00

i just love this song.

I've been watching your world from afar
I've been trying to be where you are
And I've been secretly falling apart
Unseen
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful
You'd be so perfect with me
But you just can't see
You turn every head but you don't see me

I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
When I put a spell on you
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me

Yeah
Ye-ah

Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first
Sometimes the first thing you want never comes
But I know that waiting is all you can do
Sometimes

I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
When I put a spell on you
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realise that you love me

I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
Cause I put a spell on you
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me, yeah

Yeah
Ye-ah
Yeah
Ye-ah

working all night.and sleeping all day?

2006-04-02T22:55:00.000+08:00

i have so many weaknesses in me.
too many to mention
and my heart sinks deeper knowing that i'm not
as strong as i seem.
i'm good at pretending.

that is why i love bette.
she's me. that alpha female.
the kind that's got it in control.
almost.
well suffice it maybe i just want to be like her
but i do see the similarities and thats why i feel
i can connect to her.

her relationship
with tina.. reflects so much the way i feel for women.
the way i want to feel
and what these women do to me.
the intricacies of being in love with a women
the pain and heartache.
and the beauty.
tina and bette love each other.
but tina's maybe not IN love with bette anymore.
they've outgrown each other.
and they have too many issues.
and when they were together it was magical.
it was everything.
but nothing is perfect.

and now bette after tina..
i can see that crazy side..but that grounded side
and that side of want..of need..
of confusion..
but i know my bette and she's right..
"they can fucking have her!"
love bette.
she's the woman i want to be.
the kind of fren i want to be.
the kind of mother i want to be.
the kind of lover i want to be.
i'm halfway there..
halfway to where iw ant to be..
i want to be successful in life..
i want to be respected.
and i want ppl to look at me
and know they can depend on me..
i just want to be appreciated.
all of us want to be appreciated dont we?

i just dont feel it yet.
soon.

=)

my life lost in love.

2006-03-29T02:45:00.000+08:00

at first i had so many things to say
but now they seem so inconsequential
who cares if i went out with my frens
who cares if i go clubbing
who cares about my daily life?

things are different
but almost the same
i'm the same

i told a story today to sharon
and maybe now she thinks im weird
i dun care what others think of me
but i dunno why
i care what she thinks of me
i dunno..
maybe cos she's so practical
i like her.
but i wont venture further than that.
it doesnt matter right?
what ppl think of you?

it only matters what you think of yourself
say it again and again
and then maybe u'll believe.

well good night now
take care
love
need to be up at 7 to run.

oh, yah.. forgot

2006-03-14T22:35:00.000+08:00

just to add on..
i finally met feli..
last sunday..

like after one WHOLE GOD DAMN YEAR!!!

hhahaha..
miss that girl like crazy..
we were out frm like 10.30 pm till like 5pm..
wanted to play pool..
but cldnt find a pool place that was open that late..
so we were like from bukit timah..
to town..
played dumb games at the macs..
then from thre strolled..
then esplanade..
and we just sat there..talking n taking dumb pics
and looking at ppl making out..haha..
it was really fun..
i missed her a lot..haha..
miss our hey days..
haha..
damn why am i always so busy with work!!!
urgh..

but it was nice in the cab goin back..
and seeing all this ppl going to work..
i was laughing sinisterly.haha..

anyways..
pictures!!!!

psychicdelic karma

2006-03-14T22:25:00.000+08:00

i was so overly excited abt
writing abt seeing the psychic
but i think now maybe no need la..

i shall just keep it to myself.
dun wanna offend anybody.

but man the psychic was good..

real good!!

freaky in a way
but it really helped me clear my mind..

anyways L word realyl fucks.
spoiler alert...
DANA FUCKING DIES!
freak.

anyways..
my poor bette..
haiz..she's such a wonderful person
hate tina a lot now.
really really really hate her.
urgh...
she will end up breaking my bette's heart
yeah yeah.
karma we know..
bette deserves it i suppose..
but come on man..
hasnt she already suffered enough..

and my poor helena..
i really feel for her this season..
yeah she's an alpha female bitch..
but u and i both know
that i dig that..
i am an alpha female bitch..
bette is an alpha female bitch..
i love bitches..

ohk.
some of u might know what im talking abt..
bare with me.

if u want juicy gossip..
u aint gettin any tonight..

i realise.. that i really cant commit man..
to anything..
not just in a r/s
maybe thats why the psychic says im still looking
for direction..
i so am..

i've become like shane.. "i like you but i like a lot of ppl"
i'm a stud.
heehee..

continuation of last saturday 4/3/06

2006-03-09T00:13:00.000+08:00

hahha lets continue...

so anyways..one by one bubbled..
in the end only raihana available to come my place..

shag no car that night so she's lazy to
come down as well.
then she asked if we wanna go to bishan..
then hana was gonna go clubbing also..
so we were like ok la..

and i was desperate and planless..
so what did u expect right..
and yah yah.. i wanna see a certain someone..

whatever..

anyways...
we met at bishan..
me n hana were late as always..
haha then we went down to coffee bean
and then talked n chilled..
we're gonna go kayaking speed dating..
hahaha...
we're bored..

so yah hana had to leave..
so we walked her to the s-11
thats where zack was gonna pick her up..
then me n shag continued chatting while
she drank crysanthemum
and me my bandung
and i was chowing on pratha..as always..
late night pratha cravings..
but the pratha sucked..
so only ate half..
then after that...
chat and chat till it was 12 plus
=) haha..

and i missed my train!!!
as usual..
cab for me again..
sent shag back..
then i went home..

and slept..
hahhaa..
boring saturday night..
urgh...

im jittery abt sports day
cos everything is so last minute..
cant stand it..
my student whose name is also zack
is supposed to be the mascot
then last minute pulled out
he gave me some dumb excuse
but found out frm the mom
that actually he cried n cried
saying he didnt wanna go..

urgh..
totally embarrassed me..
cos he's from my class..
argh..
:(

haiz..
oh well..
better luck next time farah...

nights..
=)

as expected.

2006-03-04T19:54:00.000+08:00

well all bubbled me..
as expected.
menyirap pun ader juga.

nasib aku tak masak.
haiz..
saturdays are so fucked up la.

serves me right.
shld have made other plans.
so shite...

oh well..see how the day pans out.
im not so in love with my clique now..
hehe

waiting for tonight

2006-03-04T17:45:00.000+08:00

yay! yay!
they're coming my place tonight.
and now im bored sitting at home..
waiting for tonight..

and well..
haiz u know why im really waiting for tonight.
heehee.
im so nottie...
but im a flirt.
so what can i say.

i hope nobody bubbles me.
urgh.
worse thing to happen..
yucks..

already my bestest gal pal, alifah
cant make it..
haha gonna miss one crazy laughter now cos of her..
alifah cartoon sia.

haiz..
im really gonna miss wdgrove when i leave.
i might just cry.
you know how i hate goodbyes.
and i hate drama even more.
but i might just cry.
serious.
i tot i'd never say it but i'll miss woodgrove.
but i think mainly its cos of my clique.

i love you guys.
in case u guys dunno.
(not that u guys read here anyways, but i'd
thought i'd express it anyhow.)
=)

i believe

2006-03-02T23:32:00.000+08:00

today i was damn pissed.
pissed with my class for all the shit
today was damn shit.
everything was fucking shit.
i feel like shit.

oh wellz.
im good.

im being paranoid now.
cos im not getting any reply.
and i dunno.
no proper talking for like the past
4 days.
cept maybe today a bit.
but other than that..
we didnt say anything.
so i tot something was wrong.
like freaking.
and i think i just got paranoid more.
and silly me for wanting to b brave.
i shld just stay away.

oh k..
from now on i solemnly swear to fucking
keep my fucking distance
i feel like cancelling saturday night now.
but i do want to chill with the girls.

im gonna be so sad when i leave wdgrove.
never tot i wld say that.
but i will be really really sad.
gonna miss the girls so much.
haiz..

fuck it la.
im wallowing.
but everything is bogging me down.
and being depressed suits me.
im not a happy person u know.

i try to take things easy but..
actually im an emotional person.
tho at the end of the day i use my head
but how i feel overall will be following my heart.
and i hate that.

wish i didnt feel anything.
cos im broken.
always have been.
and no one can love u..
till u learn to love urself.

haiz.

fuck again.
to everyone who cares abt me
just fucking leave me alone
i think thats the best option.
cos i'll screw it up anyways.

lick my crack

2006-03-01T02:52:00.000+08:00

ok to the real mccoy.

im sad.
ok im not depressed.
cos i can still function.

i'm killing my lungs.
seriously.

i wish i could tell the whole world.
tell them that i'm torn and tattered.
that im suffocating.

but no one will understand why.
i cant even begin to tell anyone why.
but its just a feeling you know.
i start to stone now more than often.
i duno if its cos of all these feelings.
i dun think so.

its everything.
its hockey.
its her.
its my ex.
its my work.
its my LIFE!

fuck.
i duno what im doing.
i dunno what im saying anymore.
what i mean i dont know.
and the point im getting at is..??

dunno.
i hide my feelings well to the rest of the world.
but at this blog i want to breakdown.
i'm not solid.
im barely even standing.

hockey:
can't even begin to say. my hatred for the game.
and all that it entails.

her:
she does nothing. and i do nothing but knowing
and feeling for her.. and knowing i could not get
the same from her makes me want to slap myself.
not cos i cant get her. but cos i even liked her in
the first place.
what the fuck! i'm sickening myself out with my repeat performance.
its azlin all over again.
fuck!

my ex:
b.. i know u read this.
u know how i feel about you.
you'll always be my best fren.
but im still sad over what u did.
over what i allowed to happen.
maybe i wasnt there enough. im sorry.
why is it so hard to get over you?

my work:
too obvious to even mention.
and i have a lot of failures for english of the revision test
im stressed.
feel so lousy.

my life:
FUCK IT!

-the end-

feel jiwang.

2006-03-01T02:47:00.000+08:00

just now filza mentioned about taman rashida utama
which got us talking abt this song by black rose
called penantian.

and us being us..we started singng down there in the staff room
of course ppl are pissed with us.
but what the fuck do we care man.

so here are the lyrics.
and i love this fucking song.
haha i dlded already!

Penantian

Dikamar ku menyepi
Hanya lilin menerangi
Beginikah seksanya
Hidup dalam penantian
Ditabir tirai malam
Ada insan kesepian, keseorangan...

Dan setiap detik yang ku lalui
Seluruh malam ku membisu
Tetap setia menantimu
Bayanganmu entah di mana

Mengapa harus kita ditemukan
Di saat jiwaku keresahan
Apakah aku satu persinggahan
Mengubat rindu... oh...

Kau dahagakan...
Ku kehausan...
Setitis rasa
Pada bayangan yang tak pasti... oh...

Kau nyalakan perasaan
Mengukir kemesraan
Mungkinkah ada sinar
Bersama impianku

Dah telah ku duga
Suasana keindahan seketika
Aku tetap menanti mu

Kau dahagakan...
Ku kehausan...
Setitik rasa... oh...
Aku tenggelam...
Kehampaan...
Keseorangan...

Mana sinaran ?...
Terangilah hidupku
Tak sanggup lagi... aku... sepi...

the laws have been broken

2006-02-27T23:33:00.000+08:00

remember those happy days

i guess i'm fed up with my life.
depressed over every fucking thing that has gone wrong
and i feel like wallowing
and i knw that is unhealthy but i feel like doing it all the same.

i feel like crying in pain.
in fear.
but i dun want to allow myself to cry anymore.
because crying makes u tired.
makes you dehydrated.

im always in stale mate.
stuck in between nothing.
suddenly had an inkling to write again
just now while i was invigilating.

i am really fucked wth everything
and i'm starting to get paranoid again
is this what always happens when ur stuck in awe.
and i look at her
but i know i could never. and she would never.
i believe that im being stupid.
don't you think so?

so yeah.. depression really makes you want to write
makes you have the inspiration to share your sorrows with the world
which is why im not a humour writer
cos i can only write deep fiction
based on a tangle of webs
all intertwined together to make that perfect seamless story
and yet i don't know what to pen down.
because i'm afraid.

because im afraid that what will come out from my hands
are the true reflections of my barren soul
and everything is dead now.
and to love again
even if i wanted to..i could never give myself
not even to her.

haiz.
fuck.
need to fag again.
why do i do this to myself?

what we cant have

2006-02-25T23:27:00.000+08:00

listening to sad ziana zain songs.
which are now on my slower jams playlist
the should however be in my slow jams
instead.

Menanti kunjungan hampir pasti
Mengharap titis embun pagi
Dan bagai menadah gerimis
Yang masih pulang pergi

yesterday night
went out for dinner with the colleagues
minus shiqin. ironically she's the bday girl.
so we went to A&A
after that me, shag, hana n filza went to watch
'casanova'
which was shit ass funny
unexpected for what i tot wld be a quick romp movie.

then played pool with shag in town.
hana went off to meet her lover boy.
filza went home to slp
hahaha..

i totally thrashed shag..haha..
the pool table was damn sexy la..haha..
after that midnight snacked at MACS @ lido..

nuggets at 2am in the morning..
and passion tea..
and girl talk..
it was really fun..
shag is sweet..
what a waste she's straight.
i even told her that its a waste she's straight.
cos i wld so go for her if she was gay.
so many women shld just be gay for my benefit
cos men dont deserve them.hahahahaha.. :P

came home abt 3 plus..
and only then i realised in my rush i left my key at work.
urgh!
so stuck outside.
worse..my phone batt was dead.
managed to squeeze in two msg..one to shag n one to hana
shag help me msg my sister..but of course she didnt hear.
in the end hana was my saviour..
luckily she's smart and she went to find me at my house.
i was sitting on the floor outside like a dodo..
haha..
ended up sleeping at her place..
nto really sleeping..btu talking..
haha..

despite all that.
it was a fun night..

=)
miss them already.
cant wait for monday!

girl you make me sing

2006-02-22T23:32:00.000+08:00

haiz..
big problem.

i forgot the rules.
and now i;m in..
i think

but lets pretend im not.
andi never was.
and i dont want to be.

but i do keep on doing it..
and i wanna stop
but it comes on coming to my mind.

and i dun want it to be that way.
all i want is to be the way it used too..

fuck.
im in shite.
i dunno why i always do this to myself.
i must really stop.

STOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!

the general rule

2006-02-20T02:15:00.000+08:00

ok as a general rule..
we of the gay community should NEVER
fall or be attracted to someone who is straight..
bi ppl are ok..
but straight ppl..BIG no no..

thru experience..
falling for a straight person
can only lead you to downward spiral of meaningless hope,
desperation, illusions, incurable heartache and even worse..
death..

it is the worse form of unrequited love.
for you know you have no control whatsoever
and u are enslaved to this one person
completely..wholly
and u cannot detach yourself..
and the person will never attach to you..and so..
you float like a corpse in water..
waiting to sink deeper and deeper.
and your mind, your body, craves to be touched
to be held..
but you can never..
they would never..

so u pray..
and u hope.
but u know it will never come true
but yet you pray and you hope
and hope and hope
that one day they would have an
aberration..
but they never will..
and you will always remain alone.
enslaved to that person, mind body and soul..

even till many years later when u think back
you feel a sense of loss..
a sense of loss of dignity
a sense of loss of your bearings.
and when u see their face..
you wonder..
if only..

if only you had remembered the rules..

i watched the ep 6 of the L word..
amazing stuff..
so it made me realise so many gay womaen fall for straight ppl
its that notion that you can never have them..
it makes them all the more desirable..

in the case of bette and tina..
bette did manage to turn tina..
but now tina is unsure..unsure whether she has feelings for men..
and to quote tina " it almost never goes the way you want it to"

and its true..
and it sucks.
even if you had wanted nothing..

so if u ever fall for a straight person..
let go..
just let it go..
get over it and move on..
before the worse happens..

haiz.
my mind works on overdrive at night.
wish i cld put it to some good use..
instead.

kids

2006-02-16T00:54:00.000+08:00

next week
is my kids revision test
pretty freaked for them
i know they're only middle ability.
further more the lower end of the middle
ability spectra
but i still have hopes

a woman can dream.

im supposed to be crawling into bed
but i've been having fuckingly
"nostalgic" dreams
about a certain woman
i used to know
a certain woman i used to love
and it bugs me
its be so many years
but i can never truly get her out of my system

for someone who cant give a fuck about anything else
can u imagine how this truly bugs me that i give a damn?
who knows how she feels now..
who she loves now..
who she is now as a matter of fact
but the person those years ago..
she was amazing..
haiz..
enough already..
or else i'll be having those fuck ass dreams again

blogspot is so good cos i can say fuck as much as i want..
fuck.
there i said it again.
yeah i do say fuck a lot.
its my catch phrase..

haiz..
miss pali..
wish she was here..
its like they're there and then they're not.

life.

i really wanna jump into bed.
maybe later.

bought new running shoes today
i have big feet by the way.
i'm a man!

yah i am!
i swear.
i wear size 11 womens..
but sadly there's no such thing as a size 11 in bleeding singapore

so i'm a man

i bought this grey shoes with red stripes.
pretty simple
but the red really hits it at the right spot

i'm all red now baby..
red house..
red shirts..
red like shoes.
gosh!

friday need to do cheers again
but man..no hell idea..

well gonna go..
feel like fagging now..
haha..the irony..

-girl on girl-
hahhaa..
:P

bored phuck

2006-02-09T04:53:00.000+08:00

so i thought i'd say hi..
so there hi!

im bored. its at night. cant sleep. cos i just took a bath
went to MOS. first time.
its pretty nice.
but bloody idiot guys there..
im not fucking interested.
yeah im bi..

so?

im definitely more women proned..
haha..
oh wellz..

bored anyways..
tot i'd post another photo of the love of my life
JB- jennifer beals..
sighs =)
beams.
and all that.

i hate the new season of L word ya.
it really blows.
i see bette n tina fighting all the time.
they havent even kissed once!
not even once!!!!
URGH!!!!
freak..

i think cos they gave us that OMFG scene so now thats all...
cold turkey..
freaks..
lemme die now in peace..

holidays

2005-12-25T14:46:00.000+08:00

hey ho
went to KL spent cose to 300 bucks in singapore dollars mind you...
i guess it wasnt too bad..
but badd enough..

so now im broke.
cant spend anymore money
cos i keep on spending money like my father is
god knows fuckign rich or something...

but im done..
now its all abt surviving
waitign for tuition money then my life will be eased slightly.

so finally started riding.
went for the riding theory lesson
with liana..
didnt read the book at all
cos it was all rushed..
and for a moment of what the instructor was talking abt..
i was blur..
clutch throttle la..
kaoz..
so anyways..now much better
after reading the guide book..

but now im scared for practical
cos there is so many coordinations involved
hope i'll pick it up quick sia..

i think can la..
insyallah..

*gulps*

well gtg..
tonight having christmas dinner with my peepz..

ciao

i've been thinking

2005-12-08T02:00:00.000+08:00

some stuff i need to plan.
going KL next weekend. wanna buy shite.
so i better list them here or else...
i will never make it..

jacket (corduroy/denim etc) rm100
bolero jacket (blardie jLo) rm100
shoe (NIKE) rm80
sunglasses rm20
watch rm20
clubbing tops

hehe better just stop here...
suffice it to say...
i will most likely need to bring 300 bucks.
cripes.

ok lets do accounts then...
stuff list in order of importance

hp bill $100
internet bill $ 70
holiday $ 100
expenses 4 holiday $ 300<>
<>sneakers $50

this is the part i hate abt making more money..
your expenses become more..cripes..
argh..now i feel irritated...
not looking 4ward to bloody holiday now..
cripes..

2005-12-07T15:46:00.000+08:00

Chestnut Tree(Honesty) --
of unusual
stature, impressive,
well-developed sense of justice,
fun to be around, a planner,
born diplomat, can be irritated easily,
sensitive of others feelings,
hard worker, sometimes acts
superior, feels not understood at times,
fiercely family oriented,
very loyal in love, physically fit.

according to the email that sharain
sent to me..i'm a chesnut tree
acording to birthday.
kinda coincides with my personality eh.
honesty..thats me.
direct and upfront. No B.S.
and i am physically fit
though i'm a fattie.
hehe.
and soooo LOYAL in love.
too loyal at times.

mcCafe

2005-12-07T03:33:00.000+08:00

drank a shot of macchiato.
and now i cant sleep.
mcCafe is all about black coffee
which is NOT me.

i'm more of a Vanilla baby
haha...
baby...as if.

was there with the girls
day, dha n dee.
talked our heads off as usual.
haha..abt??
life!
LORD!

bored to death already.
why?
though i was pissed at having
to do work during the supposed
holidays..at least it gave meaning
to my life

now i'm just meaningless.
there is nothing that i have to think abt
to look forward to.

to tell u the truth i like work.
i LOVE my work!
it keeps me busy
focused
worked out and stronger

dun get me wrong
cant wait for my KL trip though
just there to chill
n b merry
dun matter if i really shop
family bonding.
haha...:P

well nights.

dedebu cinta

2005-12-05T00:36:00.000+08:00

i dont feel like being sad..
but sometimes u just cant help it right?

thats why im saying..
keep it simple.

i've been saying it for yonks.
but i've never followed it.
i really should start soon.

MISHA!!!!!

2005-11-29T00:34:00.000+08:00

okok..
let me gush abt misha...

OMG!

so yesterday night.. 27th Nov 2005
i went to this concert-
Rupa & Rasa Mendampingi M nasir.
the guests singers were MISHA OMAR!!!
and ahli fikir..

i obviously bought the ticket for misha!
hahaha... i paid 50 dollars..

she sang two songs...
ku seru.. & this duet with m nasir
but i dunno what its called

misha singing 'ku seru'

more of her singing 'ku seru'

misha talking to audience-
guy with big head sibukz only!

misha dueting with m nasir

so basically... m nasir's concert was a really good one..
me and my sis really got into it
we sang to his songs even though we didnt really know much of
the lyrics..
we just sebat ajer la..

then when misha came out were were SCREAMING
and SHOUTING!!
i shouted MISHA!!! so loud till my voice got hoarse!!!
her voice is really nice live..
its so clear..
and lantang..:P

so i thought..
darned.. i paid 50 bucks just to hear her sing 2 songs..

then at the end they informed us that....
THERE WAS AN AUTOGRAPH SESSION!!
*FAINTS*

there i was faced with the moment where
i was to come face to face with misha!!!
i really was trembling while queing up n waiting for my turn.

some shots while queing up:
all the ppl in front..sibuk hands only..
cant see my misha clearly..

so ok..she was the last person at the table..
so i walked slowly.. asked m nasir for his signature..
he's really scary off stage...
on stage he is hilarious..
then....

the moment of truth...
MISHA!!!

conversation went like this-

me: kak misha!!
misha: hi!!
*salam each other*

me: kak misha boleh sign kan? adik saya nya skali eh..
misha: eh boleh..nama?
me: farah
misha: ada h ke takda h?
me: ada
misha: dua2 umur brapa?
me: saya 19 adik 16
misha: oh dah college la ni..
me: saya dah kerja dah..
misha: adiknya nama apa?
adik: fahimah

*misha signs for us*

me: kak misha leh ambil gambar?
misha: boleh =)
*poses for camera*
me: adik pulak
*poses for camera*

we both look so fat n ugly as compared to misha..
god misha is so gorgeous!!!!

me: thank you kak misha
misha: sama-sama
*salams*

hehehe..what a night!!
so after that not enough of misha we became like groupies
we stood behind the barrier and took shots of her

she is such a nice person..
her body guards were telling her..
"adik sudah..."
but she just kept on signing n taking photographs
and she even kissed some of the other fans esp the makciks n stuff..
so respectful..

and when she had to leave finally she kept on signing as she walked..
and when i asked her to pose for my handphone n our camera
she actually did!!!!
so sweet la she..
*faints*

so here are some more shots:

haha i especially like the shocked picture...

and now for my ultimate favourite..the one that she posed for us..
in case ur wondering..
the flowers she was holding..
a fan gave to her..
haha the guys really dig her sia..
:P

what a hottie!!!
and let me tell you
she is really much prettier in real life..
her skin is flawless..

and not only that she has a very charming
and sweet personality..
if u can see clearly..
u can see a hand behind her..
thats the stupid bodyguard pulling her away..
but she's still posing..what a sweetheart..

all in all..
yesterday really made my year...
i LOVE MISHA OMAR!!!
excellent voice and a beautiful face..
so blessed..

the thing i really like abt her is that
she is down to earth..
she is just a kampung girl..
from an average family in kelantan..
she has many 7 brother n sisters..
so i think thats where her human side and her friendly side comes from
she really touched my heart yesterday with her voice..
n her personality..

thank you misha..
u really touched my life..
i really want to say that to her but..
i was too stumped...

oh n suria interviewed me n sis..
haha dunno if we will come out or not.. :P

well..
thats that...
hearts misha.

she really is my idol..
=)

good morning

2005-11-21T01:32:00.000+08:00

so fast we forget.
i admit its weird.

but isn't it good?

no?

but my head says so.

ok, maybe my heart says no.

i loved you.
i wish i could rewind the time.

whatever.
it dont matter anymore.
none of it.

get it out of my system.

ok done.

a freak like me

2005-11-19T22:25:00.000+08:00

pressured to do everything as society sees it
if u cant beat em join em

lets wear sexy clothes
and be merry
and fcuk freely..

lets do yoga
pilates
and club daily..

we are what we are
till we become a product of society

lets stop for now.
some might say dont blame society
but at the end of the day u just want to be
like everybody else.

gone are the rebel days
the crooked paths are straightened

hello,
new world. =)

we were never meant to be

2005-11-14T22:04:00.000+08:00

the arguments are not even funny anymore.
i just want to erase the past.

dots.

2005-11-09T23:17:00.000+08:00

chica. that's me. =P

more dots all around
im bored.

i've been on this crazy gilmore girls
marathon
its scary really.

and my stomach is like airy.
its as if a bottle of vicks or something
had dropped into the pit of my stomach
and the vapor was just wafting thru my
oesophagus.. wind pipe even.

it feels weird.
musta been the black pepper chicken
i ate for lunch.

today was sch marking day.
spent my day keying in marks for a bit,
counting marks for a bit
and for the most part of it. CHATTING
about??
LOVE..hehe

cheesy.
get a group of women together n this is
what you get.
trust me on that.

i'm slightly restless today
maybe the loneliness is creeping up to me.
im just reminded back to what dayanaa said..
sometimes why do we even bother??
why do we??

oh wellz.
im going to go now.
i really dun feel like typing for now.
im too traditional sometimes..

"i'm going to go into my shell now"- loosely quoted.

2005-11-09T01:28:00.000+08:00

i'm one screwed up kid.
i wish you were here.
i dont even know who YOU is.
just someone i guess.

why have i resurfaced here?
dayanaa inspired me.
just wanted to check out how blogger is.
so im back.

things have gone down the drain.
all over again.
3 times.
enough.

yesterday i had a dream
about a dream.
the one true dream.

but a dream will always just remain a dream.

ok.
im going to go now.
tired. sleepy.

had a nice dessert dinner with my three cousins
-widya, dayaana n dhaniah
hope we'll have time to do tt again sometime.
it's fun to just share our thoughts.
=)

good night
blogspot.

may god's love be with you

2005-07-09T01:58:00.000+08:00

Memories of your past will go with time
And fade away like the marks that own your skin
He never broke
The person that you are
Cos he never got to know the girl within

...

2005-05-11T22:21:00.000+08:00

do u know what this is?
a simple song

no it is not.

do u realise how painful it is?
no you will never.
and where do i stand?

drowning swiftly in the abyss.

don't question my methods
or my insecurities.

only u escalate it further.

it heightens to the highest peaks
it froths at the sides
oozing at the seams

and all of you may wonder
when did you see
how you were brought into that catastrophe

little did you know it was destined
at birth
as a child your paws
knocked down your grandfather's urn

maybe it was ruined
maybe it had better chances

but in the end
here i am
crooning to the sad love song
of our tears

MONEY WOES

2005-05-05T17:51:00.000+08:00

i just heard from one of my colleagues michelle..

well i was trying to compare with her to make myself feel
better that i havent saved anything since i worked..
shhhhh..dun tell my mom..

but anw... michelle has told me that....

that...

she has saved $2000!!!!
and she only worked five months and our pay is the same leh
and sometimes i make more than ehr leh!!!

waliu..
*jealous*

anw i shld really do something.
need to reassess my money more wisely.
urgh!!!

and i love JENNIFER BEALS..
love LAUREL HOLLOMAN...

*faints*

JB...and now JB is pregnant..
ooooh...exciting..

fuck me JB!!!!
fuck me!!!

haha..ok chill..

miss you

2005-04-29T18:09:00.000+08:00

now that im here with nothing to do.
i get all lonely and in need of you
and guess what i choose to do
to fill up the pain?
sit around and write about my disdain

a crappy poem- this i know
but where else can i share my sorrow
to all the ppl sitting out there
or to the only place i call my lair

there is no words to describe
the feelings i feel deep inside
boredom gets the best of me
i only wish that you could see

all the things that are in my mind
and feel what i feel in kind
but i know u do in ur day
so what else can i say

except that now i miss you so
i get slight crazy and despo
i hope u understand my plight
because baby..i dont want to fight.

thanks =)

dame

2005-04-12T18:59:00.000+08:00

i tried writing.
about laroque.
that name keeps on flashing in my mind.
and i think its hot.
but i dont know yet who laroque is
so i experimented.
i wanted to write about masturbation.
haha..

crap..
this is how bored i really am
at work

im getting very drained by work.
kinda wish i was schooling
at least i can go home early
i think i have obsession
with going home early.
but now that i am at suntec
i just dont wanna.
wanna have a night life.

keep on chilling with khai.
and now i got no time for my babe
i really miss her my babe.
she is the light of my life.
and i love her to bits.
really i do.
=)

and L word.
im gonna give my summary.
next entry though.
i feel really happy with today's L word.

=)

laroque hated her body. hated that she had two pinnacles sticking out from her chest and no gift from god at her groin. she hated that she had to suffer every month with the cramps, the blood and the sheer humiliation of buying tampons from the pharmacy every month. if laroque could she would everythign from her body that proclaimed to the world that she was a female.

laroque loved woman and many loved her in return. maybe it was her chiselled jaw or maybe it was her mysterious aura. but laroque wanted to give them more. laroque her self could not comprehend why she had this desire in her to transform herself into a man but all she knew was that it was a calling for her to be one. she had never been a real woman anyway- wearing men's pants, keeping her hair short, binding her breasts.

people would say "butch" in hushed whispers behind her back and it irritated her. she wasn't wanting to be a butch. she wanted to be a man. though she admitted that she did deserve to be called a "butch" based on her appearance but somehow to her it was derogatory. she wanted them to stop calling her butch and call her a man.

2005-03-06T23:00:00.000+08:00

just eat my shit.

seriously.
eat it.

if u dun ...i dun...

D-day.

2005-03-04T10:44:00.000+08:00

dooms day.

not dance day as jack wld like to think.

god. im screwed.

oh well....

shit.
too late to regret now.

i wish i would just self combust.

2005-02-15T00:03:00.000+08:00

and die.

i hate what i'm feeling right now.

i don't want to regret what i decide.

all i know is that

it ain't that nice for me anymore.

gerak khas the movie III

2005-02-05T22:55:00.000+08:00

ok its 1055pm.
im gonna watch gk3 movie at 1150pm.
cant wait.
why??

cos its got MISHA OMAR in iT!!!!

yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
finally!
i've been waiting for this movie for so long.
and finally.
feel so happy.

cant wait.
but u know la when ur waiting for something..
it seems forever.
even tho its not.
well..soon soon.. :)

i hope the movie is good.
but even if its not.
its ok.
cos its got my misha omar in it.
i'll pay a lot of money to watch her even if it sucks.
love her.

and i love my b! too..

muax!

working hard?

2005-02-02T19:34:00.000+08:00

hahah...
today has been a rather slow day.

been chatting for a long time.
talk and talk to other ppl only..

there are not many customers today.
not like yesterday.
yesterday got so many ppl.

must be the monday blues.
until hp also got monday blues.
ish ish.

hahaha...

i wish someone wld entertain me here.
pls entertain me!!!

no hot customer ah??
then i can flirt.

haha..just for fun..
so b dun worry k..
haha..

ok la sian of blogging.

oh and yah just now dinner break went with my mom.
she treat me to LJS.
and bought me black pants for work.
yaya!

:D

ok.

the end.

ooh

2005-02-01T14:44:00.000+08:00

i just realised
now tt ime so busy..
there goes my exercise regime.
and my hockey trgs.

oh no!

haiz..so sad.
i guess now i can still go swimming
but must wake up..damn freaking early!!
waduh!

now im all alone here at work.
i mean im the only one attending
cos michelle took a break.
so just slacking here for awhile.
hope dun get any tough customers.
so far so good.

didnt make any drastic mistakes!!
haha..
wat a horrid thing tt wld be..

oh wellz.
poor hockey.

i got a fucking job!

2005-02-01T14:38:00.000+08:00

haha..finally
after months and years of waitting.
ok maybe not years.
but it did feel tt way.

i finally have a fucking job.

and my pay is.. OUTSTANDING!!

but knowing me it will be gone before i can say..
GONE.

haha..so better make a money plan.
i need to ensure tt my money is spent and saved well.
esp heading towards my bike fund.

but looking at the no. of days i work..
i probly wont have time to start learning bike.
cos i work 6days a week.
and on my off day i'll need to teach tuition.
cos i work 10.45-9pm everyday for 6 days.
so u can imagine!!!!

but hey..finish at 9..way good...
me happy.
and its at causeway la.
i'll reach home at 9.10 la.
then i can watch my shows at nite
whoopee.
and money money money... MONEEEEY!!

oh yah.. i work at samsung customer service shop
at causeway pt.
so if u got probs with ur samsung come to me.
i'll help u in a jiffy.
hehehe..
:)
oh and bring ur warranty card.

MUACKS.
im happy now.

and my cutie b! is happy too..
haha..and we all know why..
hahaha...

Matchbook Romance- Playing for Keeps

2005-02-01T01:18:00.000+08:00

Its so simple
And complicated the way you can crush me
No matter how much this hurts
This is through
I get as far as your door before I get caught
I make up excuses just to touch you and I can't stop,
I can't stop

So are we playing for keeps
These days begin and they don't end for weeks
Leave me left out of anything to do with you
Excuse me while I fall apart
Don't flatter yourself sweetheart
Let me take the wheel and I'll crash this car
Do you have to make this
So hard

Your so good (so good)
At pretending everything is alright
Your as welcome as cancer but my door is always unlocked

So are we playing for keeps
These days begin and they don't end for weeks
Leave me left out of anything to do with you
Excuse me while I fall apart
Don't flatter yourself sweetheart
Let me take the wheel and I'll crash this car
Do you have to make this
So hard

fed up.

2005-01-27T10:15:00.000+08:00

i dont want to name names.
and i wont say what actually is going on.
but i must express this.

sometimes to get something done.
i think u just have to depend on yourself.
to fulfill someone else's dreams..
you just got to do it urself.
never depend on others.
don't seek for anything else
from anyone.

trust me.

oh well.
i guess i just have to source out on my own.
ah so sick la.

stupid bullfrogs.

i cant accept something that doesnt go my way.
all can just die la.

ah screw.
i thought of being civil.

seriously
im really dying.
inside.
i feel dead
empty.
like a living corspe.
i dun feel anything for hockey.

there i said it.

i dun feel anything for hockey.
not anymore.
that love is gone.

well i'm sure this will affect my game further.
muahahaha.
yay! that's so what i want.
whoopee!
yeeeehaaaa!

argh all can die again la!
chicken nene.

ferri

2005-01-25T21:39:00.000+08:00

hello.

its me.

sometimes you come to a point in ur life
where u think
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?

what u've been doing for the past 6 yrs
suddenly doesnt make sense.
none of it.
you used to work to achieve towards something.
but now the hey days are gone
and u feel empty.
you wonder when u will get out of this blackhole.
will you ever?

i've stopped hoping for a miracle
for a show of skill
for a show of talent.
and what i thought was real and was exciting
and what was fun is not anymore.
it becomes a chore.
a pain in the ass.
in the butt.
in the heart.

when you're heart's not in it anymore
you no there is no point
i havent accomplished anything great in the past 6 yrs.

i used to say "my one and only passion."
that was it.
nothing else.
i didnt wanna do anything else.
i made so many sacrifices for it.
but i feel now..nothing has returned.
nothing given back to me that i can be proud of.

i was a lousy captain.
a lousy player
and will always remain
as just a pointless dot in the history
of a sport that i once loved more than life itself.

there are so many questions banging in my head
so many guilt feelings
so many concerns
and thoughts about the feelings of others.
but at the end of the day.
only my feelings matter.
not any of the others out there.

when do i hand in my resignation letter?
is it even time yet.
maybe those times where i joked abt it..
its true-"i'm too old for this sport."

oh well.
more to mull over tmr.
tonite this is it.
this is it.

id mubarak.

2005-01-21T01:27:00.000+08:00

hey..

slamat hari raya aidiladha.
its not such a happy moment.
supposed to be a solemn occasion.
so can't go screaming.

but raya time is no longer that happy for me.
my grandfather is no longer around
and something is missing.

the whole family(relatives etc.) is going ballistic.
this sucks.
i know i havent been really blatantly mournful abt his passing
but deep inside i feel really sad.
i miss him you know.
even all his temperaments and mood swings.
he is my grandfather after all.
and blood is thicker than water.
i just wonder will i feel the same if my nani passes?
god im such a bitch.
but there are just somethings in life that u feel
that has happened to you that you can't forget
even though its ur own family.

so yeah.
die all.
once again.

oh and id mubarak.

i wish

2005-01-18T22:35:00.000+08:00

i wish i have all the answers.

i wish everything was free.

i wish man was not at war with each other.

i wish i had the power to change myself.

i wish i was as fast as a cheetah.

i wish i was as fit as salmon who can swim upstream.

i wish i was a rock star.

i wish i had kept on playing guitar.

i wish i was so rich that i do not have to find a job.

i wish i have a house of my own.

i wish i have a vespa.

i wish i have a license!

i wish i still have a hamster.

all die la.

shoot me in the head

2005-01-15T22:37:00.000+08:00

i am so fucking confused.
you wouldn't even know.

its like there is this thing
it means the world to you
but u don't know why
you're even fucking confused.

oh fuck.

im scared that i will hurt someone.

i'm scared of regrets.
i don't want to have any.

fuck.

melodrama.

2005-01-13T11:31:00.000+08:00

innocent music:-
Not Gon' Cry
Mary Blige

good morning.

i just realised that i do
make things more melodrama
than they shld be.

haha.
but that's me.
miss india 2005.
;)

wat crappies yaar.
my pali girl is leavg tmr.
life will be so sad.
not tt we will ever be far away.
but face to face is diff
frm comp to comp.

haiz.bummerz.

will miss her senseless.

and bored mindless.
let me be ur mistress.
at least can offer my services to someone.

I HATE NOT DOING ANYTHING FULFILLING!

FARK!.

ok pissed for nothing.
hehe..
melodrama remember?
hehehehehe..

im listening to nelly now.
over and over.
nice song.
oh my chappati!!!!
i forgot..
brb...

ok back.
chappati is ok.
yum yum.
cant wait to eat it.

ok..going now.
and mary j blige.
i love you.
can't believe she is antwone's cousin.
coolz!

new skin.

2005-01-13T01:19:00.000+08:00

like my new blog?

might i just say..
i did not do much to this.
i have to thank piggyshoes
because it is her original pics
and ideas.
i just changed the pic here and there
to suit wat i wanted.

i was bored senseless at home
but not bored that i was gonna do something
from scratch.
no no..
not today.

hahaha..

anw..
things are..
hmm..
i dunno wat to say.

but i wrote a song.
a really nice one.
with tune and all.
i guess inspiration really
fills me when im sad.

to you.
will always love you.